Friday, October 28, 2016

I Don't Know What To Do Anymore.

For a while, I 've been having trouble finding an internship. The process is nervewrecking, to be honest. I'm just starting to think that I'm not good enough for anything.  It totally sucks. I chose to be in one of the most competitive careers out there. Why? I'm not quite sure. I mean, I like the aspect of the career, but I have not yet landed an internship. That makes me feel worse about myself and I'm self-conscious about my grades. Maybe that's why, but I'm constantly told that grades don't really matter. On the other hand, it seems like it does because those who have better grades end up with the position. I can't really explain what goes on with my head. How I often lose motivation, and how I often lose focus because I'm worried about something else. I can't really explain that. There's no option for that when I'm applying, because it's not severe. Although my resume could say I'm not doing enough, I can't add that my grades are like this because of that. It's just not in the nature of a formal resume. You can't add a personal problem. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I've made the wrong choice. I feel like maybe I've chose the wrong career path. It's like it's not right for me, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm almost done. I'm almost getting my degree. So, why should I give up? I shouldn't. I put way too much pressure on myself and as a result, it gets worse for me. Maybe I should just stop thinking, but it's hard for me, because I'm constantly worrying. I have to remind myself that if I stop worrying so much and do what I did last semester, the outcome would be so much better for me. I just have to be strong about it.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I've Learned Something.

On October 20, 2016 between the hours of 11:00am to 12:00pm, I had my first official session at the Counseling Center at my school. I poured out my feelings, and I talked about myself and my problems. It was hard for me, but the Psychologist that I spoke with made me feel like I can trust her and it was okay. I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn't. It felt good to just cry and not feel embarrassed. She eased into the questions that she had to ask, and it made it easy for me to answer. Eventually, we got to the main purpose of my session... I have persistent depression and I also have anxiety. It feels nice to know what I was concerned about myself was actually true. I obviously couldn't diagnose myself, so hearing it from a professional made everything clear. I'm going to be honest, I was hesitant in making an appointment and seeing someone about it. I wasn't sure if it would help me, in fact, I think I was just scared to open up. During my session, I would bring up some actions, like fidgeting and blanking out or losing focus, and it's due to the anxiety and depression taking over. I didn't know that. I just thought it was a bad habit. I do have a mild case of depression and it will come and go, but it will always linger somewhere. Now, I know that everything that I'm feeling and every action could come from either one of those things, or even both.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016


I try to be happy, but I can't. I try to worry less, but I simply can't. It really sucks to feel the way I do. I often feel so alone. I often question my existence. Like, what is my purpose living anyway? Lately, all I want to do is cry and this time it has nothing to do with school really. I just feel this sadness growing inside of me everyday. I'm not sure what's going on. I could be going through a crisis, but it's been there for a while. Maybe it's a long-term crisis. I want to know how it feels to be happy. Yeah, I do have moments where I look happy, but it's only short-lived. At this very moment as I'm typing this, I want to cry. I need to cry. All I have been doing lately is cry. I have no one really to talk to. Well, I do, but I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. So, what's the point of living exactly? I'm not sure. I can't even speak to my parents and express how I feel, because I don't know how. I feel like I'm often forgotten about by my surroundings. And so Internet, I'm going to try to express myself to you. 
It frustrates me how I keep helping people and they're not appreciative of my help. It frustrates me that I am constantly left out of things. I understand that I'm not quite an extrovert, but I just want to fit in somewhere. I recently found out that I was never on the roster of an organization that I am a part of. Now, I'm actually thinking about quitting. I'm always alone and no one really talks to me, besides a handful of people. I'm pushed off to the side. Anyway, I'm going to get back on track. It also frustrates me how people want to make me starve to death. I am constantly told that I've gained some weight or that I'm somewhat fat. I've tried actually dieting, but seeing nothing. It frustrates me how people treat me like I'm dumb. What's the point of working hard and getting educated when I'm treated this way?
I'm honestly just exhausted. I'm exhausted about all of this. Again, what's the point of living? When am I going to feel happy? When will I stop worrying so much? I'm not sure.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I'm an Adult?

Image via Pinterest

So, I'm considered an adult. What is the real definition of an adult? I don't feel like an adult. What makes me an adult? I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out life itself. I can't even get my life together, but if I did, I wouldn't be human. After weeks of relaxing after a whole year of being a student and taking classes, I finally got to relax. I have to admit, it felt weird when I was finally free from work. I then got used to being able to be carefree a bit. I then woke up to reality and I realized that I needed to find a job and internships to earn experience and some money while I finish my last year as an undergraduate. It's crazy how I'm almost done with school. I began my job and internship search this week and I also created a new cover letter. I just hope I'm good enough. To be honest, everything scares me and I just think of the worst for myself and of myself. I always feel pressured because I have the mind of a perfectionist. It actually sucks having that mind set sometimes, but hey, that's just who I am. I am now in my twenties and I would like to do a million things, but I'm afraid that I won't get to anytime soon. There are people my age who are fortunate enough to do those things that they've dreamt of now. I'm just waiting for my time to do those things. My mom has always told me to not think too much far ahead in life, because I am creating scenarios and I might end up disappointed in the end, which has happened before. I just need to find a way to only think of the present, be aware of the present, and keep my expectations leveled. The only way that I can do that is distract myself, like how I did during the recent spring semester. I actually surprised myself and was beyond happy. I'm usually... just content. As a reminder to myself, I should distract myself with only things happening in front of me, don't expect too much, and think positively, even when everything goes wrong or it's just not my day. I'm not a kid, but not an adult. I'm going to have times where it's okay to be a kid, and times where I have to be an adult, or the society's definition of an adult.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Questioning Life Again.

I honestly do not understand people. Like, their actions and choices. A lot of things do not make any sense to me. How one interacts with another. I always find myself being too nice and I can't help it. No matter what, I will always try to find a way to help someone for certain situations. Of course, I am only human and I can't always help someone. The thing is that, I don't get the same act of kindness in return. Yeah sure, to some people their act may be viewed as the same, but it is actually not. I push everything aside to help them and I often forget about what I'm doing. I am constantly used and it sucks. I don't really think about it, but when I find myself sitting and thinking deeply, I notice it. I tend to keep things bottled up to the point where I will only think of the negatives in my life, which is pretty bad. So, I always ask why haven't I gotten a good outcome out of helping and being kind to these people? I admit that I have a slight RBF, but it doesn't mean that I'm mean. These interactions with these people make me dislike people. In the past, I didn't have anything against the general people, but as I grew up and opened my eyes, I grew to not liking people. That is why I've become more of an introvert. I am an ambivert, but more of an introvert. I do get anxious around people, but I'm not afraid of talking to people. I often isolate myself out of socializing in a crowd of people. I sometimes think it's because of who I am and my background. As you can see, I am an Asian American and there are always those stereotypes. I can tell you that I come from a very Americanized family, which does not fulfill the whole stereotype. Maybe its the way I dress. I do not have a specific label for the way I dress. I just put things that go well together, but I often go for something with a vintage feel to it. I don't know. Maybe just NYC street style? Most likely. It could be that I make myself seem shy, because I barely talk. I don't really like gossip. I will listen and give my feedback, but I don't go around gossiping. That could be another thing, we don't have anything in common because I don't do what they do. I don't party. I don't really socialize. That is just who I am, but I find myself always alone. It's the judgement of looking past my personality and just seeing what I look like. Like, what? This is why I have trouble making a lot of friends. Most times I feel unappreciated. It really sucks. It's the way people are around me and how they treat me that make me feel this way. I wish I knew why.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

I'm Terrible At This.

I've created this blog to share my life with the internet world. Of course I would not share every little detail in my life, but that was the purpose. It's basically a public journal. I did not have a theme like fashion, food, or beauty when I started this blog. I wasn't sure if people would read it or follow my blog. I'm not really good at promoting myself, because I'm not looking for "fame." This is mostly lifestyle, and there are better looking blogs out there. I've tried my best to be consistent with posting, even if it's a small, short post. I've been caught up with real world situations that I have forgotten about blogging for a while. There have been certain times where I did not know what to post. I wasn't doing anything creative. I didn't have anything exciting to share. I could've done hauls and stuff, the typical girl blogger things. I did not feel like blogging any of that. I guess I'm growing out of that. So, maybe I'll start blogging my thoughts and major events in my life. I want to try my best to be consistent, but I have reached the point in my life where I can't do this full time. I will be terrible at posting things, but that's okay. I'm getting close to entering the real world, and I want to focus on that now. I wish I can be called a "blogger," but I obviously can't. I don't think I would label myself that. So, I'll be here from time to time, but not all the time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

All Over the Place.

It's about the final stretch of the semester and I am pretty much done, mentally and physically. I have two group projects and it's killing me, because everyone is procrastinating and I have to worry about other deadlines and other classes. I suddenly want to quit school and do something that I would love to do. I basically would love to do something in the entertainment industry or something I really enjoy doing like art or photography. Well, anything that pertains to the general idea of art or the arts. I love music. I enjoy acting. I love art. I mean I can still do it, but right now, I don't want to go on further with school. I want to get my life started. Just a few days ago, I went to a concert and I wondered what my life would have been if I did do something I really love and enjoy, like the musicians that I've watched from the front row. They're so passionate in what they do that they are traveling and making a lot of people happy. I just want that feeling. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to do everything all at once. I'm just overly exhausted. These next two weeks have to be over. Then, I can just focus on what I need to focus. I need to go on a retreat to relax and unwind.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Simple Easter Treat.

Hi there! Happy Easter! So, my cousin and I thought about making some yummy treats for Easter and what simple, easy treat to make other than Rice Krispie Treats. We thought we could make Robin's Nest with Cadbury Mini Eggs with some chocolate drizzle. What you would need is:
  • A whole package of regular sized Marshmallows
  • We used 4 Tsp. of butter, but I think the recipe calls for less than that (We were eyeballing it)
  • Enough Rice Krispies to coat (Again, we were eyeballing it)
  • A few pieces of chocolate (dark or milk) to melt
  • Cadbury Mini Eggs (Just enough to fill the nests)
First, you will want to heat up a sauce pan on medium heat. Next, when your pan is hot enough, turn the heat to low and add in your butter. When your butter is fully melted, add in about half of the marshmallows and turn the heat up to medium low. By putting in half of the marshmallows, it quicken the melting process. Once it is melted, add in the rest and let it melt. When it is all melted, you want it to cool down a bit before mixing it with the Rice Krispies. In a mixing bowl, pour in your Rice Krispies. Then, with your melted marshmallows, pour it in the mixing bowl with the Rice Krispies while it is still warm. If it is necessary, add some more Rice Krispies. Next, you can use the back of a muffin tin sprayed with some cooking oil to mold the nest, but we molded them free-handedly. You would want to set them on some wax or parshment paper on a baking sheet so that it can cool and harden. When you're done molding them, put them in the fridge for about 10-15 minutes. While you wait, you can melt your chocolate. I would suggest to add a little bit of olive or vegetable oil in the chocolate so that it won't chunk up so quickly. Next, pour the chocolate in a plastic baggy and snip one corner to drizzle. Take out the chilled nest and begin to drizzle your chocolate. After, you can start placing your eggs in the nests. Lastly, move the nests into some cupcake liners and there you have it! Robin's Nests for an Easter treat. I hope that you enjoy making them and enjoy eating them! These are fun to make.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Quarter Life Crisis.

Hi, I was going through a crisis about 2 weeks ago and I think I'm going to be okay. Well, there's still one big factor that I have to deal with, but I've figured out something. 2 weeks ago, I found myself contemplating on life and what I should succeed in life. I wanted to back down from what I am currently doing and pursue in something much different. I was asking myself: Should I even do this? What if I can't handle it? Is it too late? I wasn't sure about my life and career path anymore. Here's a video of me explaining my crisis:

Saturday, February 27, 2016

What I Ate This Morning.

There's nothing really exciting happening, so I'm going to share with you what I ate this morning. I am currently on a healthy foods diet, and a good morning always starts with some good, healthy eats. I had a lovely smoothie bowl that was full of protein. I didn't have a lot of fruits around, so it wasn't as fruity as I normally would make it. I had bananas and mangoes. In my opinion, bananas are a must have in smoothies because it just makes them sweeter and tastier. So, when you have bananas, you are set. I froze one banana the night before so that it's ready for me to blend in the morning. So, in the smoothie, I had one frozen banana, a table spoon of almond butter (I used the maple flavored one from Justin's), a few pieces of diced mangoes, soy milk, and once everything seems to be blended, I added a little bit of unsweetened cocoa powder to give it a hint of chocolate flavor. After the smoothie was completely blended and smooth, I just poured it in a bowl and topped it would granola, chia seeds, and a few more pieces of diced mangoes. I can tell you that it was delicious! I had some coffee as well. What a yummy breakfast.

-A tip about smoothie bowls: when you make them, make sure you make them a little thicker than you would normally make smoothies so that it wouldn't just be a drink in a bowl. Haha.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Real Techniques Stole My Heart Again.

Hey there! So lately, I've been into makeup a lot more than usual. I have become obsessed with makeup. I've always loved makeup, but not as much as now. I have started to use more makeup and try different techniques with makeup. I just have fun with it. When it comes to applying makeup, my go-to makeup tools are from Real Techniques. Before, I used to use only their brushes to apply everything on my face. I didn't think that it was necessary to use a makeup sponge until I started to apply my under eye concealer a little differently. So, I went to Target and bought a $2 makeup sponge that is supposed to be a knock off of the BeautyBlender. When I first used it, it worked pretty well and blended beautifully, but then it just stopped doing it's job well. I thought, maybe I should invest in the BeautyBlender, and then I remembered that Real Techniques had a makeup sponge called the Miracle Complexion Sponge. I then did some research if it was really a dupe for the BeautyBlender. I just kept see great reviews and bought one for myself. I can tell you that I AM IN LOVE WITH IT. It's so soft and bouncy. The $2 makeup sponge was actually not as bouncy as this makeup sponge. It is affordable and it does its job very well. I am so pleased with it. This is why Real Techniques is my favorite makeup tools brand.

I got the 2-Pack one.

This is what it looks like when it's damp.

Look at that bounce.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Sorry I'm Late.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope it's going well so far. This is the first blog post of 2016 and I would like to start off strong. I would usually do a recap of the prior year, but it just didn't feel right, because I personally feel that 2015 was full of negativity. Not a lot of wonderful things happened either. So, there was no need for that. I am keeping a positive mindset and hopefully my mind will stay positive for the majority of the year. As a human, I will not be positive all the time, but I can try my best. Positivity is always a new years resolution of mine and that is all I need. It is definitely a goal that I will not give up on. I really hope that this year will be one of the best yet. I want it to be and I will make it possible. I just have to remind myself of some of the good things that I haven't encountered before. Maybe I'll change a little bit of something in my life. I'm not sure. I want to try out doing something different like vlogging more. I honestly don't feel comfortable talking to a camera, even though it may not seem like that. It's just something I don't really share anyway and maybe I should be more out there. I should try to be more like an extrovert and push myself. I tend to play things safe and the outcome can go both ways. Let's just hope this year will be a good year for me.

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