Friday, June 10, 2016

Questioning Life Again.

I honestly do not understand people. Like, their actions and choices. A lot of things do not make any sense to me. How one interacts with another. I always find myself being too nice and I can't help it. No matter what, I will always try to find a way to help someone for certain situations. Of course, I am only human and I can't always help someone. The thing is that, I don't get the same act of kindness in return. Yeah sure, to some people their act may be viewed as the same, but it is actually not. I push everything aside to help them and I often forget about what I'm doing. I am constantly used and it sucks. I don't really think about it, but when I find myself sitting and thinking deeply, I notice it. I tend to keep things bottled up to the point where I will only think of the negatives in my life, which is pretty bad. So, I always ask why haven't I gotten a good outcome out of helping and being kind to these people? I admit that I have a slight RBF, but it doesn't mean that I'm mean. These interactions with these people make me dislike people. In the past, I didn't have anything against the general people, but as I grew up and opened my eyes, I grew to not liking people. That is why I've become more of an introvert. I am an ambivert, but more of an introvert. I do get anxious around people, but I'm not afraid of talking to people. I often isolate myself out of socializing in a crowd of people. I sometimes think it's because of who I am and my background. As you can see, I am an Asian American and there are always those stereotypes. I can tell you that I come from a very Americanized family, which does not fulfill the whole stereotype. Maybe its the way I dress. I do not have a specific label for the way I dress. I just put things that go well together, but I often go for something with a vintage feel to it. I don't know. Maybe just NYC street style? Most likely. It could be that I make myself seem shy, because I barely talk. I don't really like gossip. I will listen and give my feedback, but I don't go around gossiping. That could be another thing, we don't have anything in common because I don't do what they do. I don't party. I don't really socialize. That is just who I am, but I find myself always alone. It's the judgement of looking past my personality and just seeing what I look like. Like, what? This is why I have trouble making a lot of friends. Most times I feel unappreciated. It really sucks. It's the way people are around me and how they treat me that make me feel this way. I wish I knew why.

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