Saturday, March 17, 2018

Journey to Finding Happiness.

Those who know me well, and those who actually follow what I post on this blog know that I have general anxiety and persistent depression. For a while, I've been through very high ups and very high downs. Mostly very high downs. It's something I wish I can fully control, but it's a work in progress. I have never actually publicly mentioned this, but about a year ago, I chose the option to be on medication since I wasn't finding anything helping me. My anxiety is an ongoing thing, while my depression comes and goes. I've done everything I can to make me feel good about myself and life in general, but nothing helped. My anxiety gotten worse where I would have panic attacks, and my depression causing me to constantly be tearful and unmotivated. Then I sought help elsewhere from counseling. I went to see a psychiatrist for treatment. I was prescribed an antidepressant and it definitely helped. Of course it only helps during a certain amount of hours during the day. Even when I was on the antidepressant, the anxiety and depression lingered. Through treatment, I was finding myself learning techniques lessening the anxiety, but not much the depression because I wasn't depressed all the time. I was gaining back my appetite after being on the antidepressant for a while. I used to eat very little without the antidepressant due to my high anxiety levels. I found myself eating more due to the medication, but also feeling empty/depressed from time to time. So, the medication had caused me to gain weight making me feel worse about myself.
At one point, I thought that I could be feeling empty because I was lonely all the time or felt lonely all the time. Of course I had my friends and family who I love dearly, but for some reason that wasn't enough. I was desperate in finding a significant other. I thought maybe if I strongly liked someone who strongly liked me also, then I would feel happy. That theory was only temporary. I ended up trying different dating apps and talking to strangers, but it usually would not work out well. So, then I deleted them all.
One day when I had my annual physical check-up, my doctor had found some changes that I was becoming unhealthy. I gained a lot of weight, my blood test showed some changes that I was borderline unhealthy. I came to the realization that I was a mess. I let myself go. I wasn't taking care of myself and my body. I had the mentality that I did't have to worry about anything, because I'm still young. I was wrong. I let my mental health take over who I am. With that scare, I forced myself to get back into the routine of eating healthier and exercising more.
At the moment, I am focusing more on myself. I am trying to worry less about finding my significant other. I've been going on morning runs and exercising every day, which makes me motivated in doing and trying different things, like being a social butterfly and getting work done quickly. My runs make me feel so much better. I feel less stressed, less anxious, less depressed. I feel happier. I am moving towards dealing with my mental health without the help of medication, which was always a goal. I am finally going through a positive path. Let's just hope it will last.

Thursday, November 30, 2017


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I wish I was able to not fake my happiness most days. It really sucks to constantly feel this emptiness in your gut. I know that there are a bunch of techniques to trick the mind into thinking you are totally okay, but it also takes a lot of energy. I am always tired and not always up for working my brain unless I have to. I mean, fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression, which is something I deal with everyday. I know that my anxiety is the primary reason to my depression. Me worrying leads to me becoming depressed. Recently, I haven't been so depressed that I forget to eat, or I'm feeling tearful. I just feel like there's something I'm missing in my life and I can't pinpoint it. I'm happy with all the people that I have in my life. I'm happy with the things I have. I just don't know what's making me feel unhappy. Again, it could be me just worrying that's making feel this way. It sucks when there's a chemical imbalance in my brain when I try my best to live my life to the fullest. Though, I am now starting to get out my own comfort zone, and that's a good thing. I'm slowly getting there in terms of handling my anxiety well, but it's not something I can get rid of. I always find myself alone, even though I'm not. I can tell you that there is not a time where I have not thought about my existence. It is definitely one of the many things that run through my mind all the time. I sometimes feel like my heart is actually empty. Like, there's a hole in my chest. This empty feeling keeps me from doing most of the things I enjoy. It keeps me unmotivated to do anything, responsibilities or not. I wish I can actually explain exactly how I feel, but I don't know how and what it would be compared to. It's not like a someone emotionally hurt me, or ripped my heart from my chest kind of thing, because that didn't happen at all. I just feel like I'm letting myself rot slowly in misery.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017


Hi Internet, it has been way too long and it feels weird to be typing up what's going on with my life and my mind lately. I mean, I barely use Twitter anymore. Most likely because I've been distracted with other things. I am at the middle of the semester of graduate school and I'm beginning to fall apart, as in I'm struggling. It's making me think that I've chosen the wrong path and I shouldn't be doing what I set my mind up for. Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I supposed to pursue something else in life? The answer is I don't know. There are factors to why I'm struggling, and it has been keeping up with being involved in school as well as trying to work. Just recently, I made the decision to resign from the job that I was working in, because I couldn't handle it anymore. There's still time left to save myself, but not as much time that I would like. I sometimes find myself going back into that dark place that I was in before, and that scares me. I don't want to have self-doubt. I don't want to give up. I have this dream, and I want to achieve it, but what's stopping me is the mishaps and such. I'm actually doing terrible, and part of my brain is telling me "that's it, you're not fit for this." Then, theres the rest of my brain that makes me worry a lot. I just keep seeing people getting "lucky" and then there's me. My mom believes that everyone has a certain timeline to their lives once they are born and if they're lucky in that moment, then they were meant to be. It's definitely something that makes a person think long and hard about. Things do happen for a reason. Some don't believe in that, but I some how do. It's like when you have positive thoughts, positive things tend to happen. Of course that seems like just a coincidence, but it could be true. The universe has a weird way of showing us things, spiritually or not. I guess I have to take that mindset and give it a shot. It has worked once before, maybe it'll work again when I really need it. It's just a matter of patience.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Inhale, Exhale.

Image via Pinterest

It has been so long since I've last posted something. Probably, because I have been going to therapy and I've felt happier. Lately, my moods have gone down and I don't know why. I'm back to feeling negative vibes from people and I just don't know what to do. I suddenly feel very left out. I just started working at an internship right after I graduated as an undergrad (I still can't believe it), and I thought I would like it, but turns out I don't. I'm definitely not getting the experience that I want. And the environment just makes triggers both my anxiety and depression. It sucks. With this internship, I feel like I'm back in school rather than actually working. I'm given assignments and I have to format things. That's not what I want to do. I also don't get to shadow a professional, because everything is self-taught. I guess it's whatever with the school assignment aspect of the internship because I'm going to grad school, but I still want actual work experience. I'm constantly teared down by everything and a handful of people. I thought my panic attacks would lessen, but I've had more at this internship than during the semester. I've told people about my mental health to make them aware about what I go through and things that may happen to me. Though, I didn't think that so many people would be so insensitive. I am never feeling myself when I enter the office. I feel congested with judgment. It's hard for me to let go of things in the first place, so I will continuously think of the worst things possible. I'm just done with everything. It's my last week, and I plan to move forward to find something that I will be happy with. I will find the experience that I want and need to reach my goal. I just need to breathe in and breathe out slowly throughout the rest of the week.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Losing Track.

I feel like my life has not been consistent in a way that my brain does not process things very well, meaning, it takes a little time for me to realize that I need to pay close attention to what I'm doing. My mind often dozes off because I'm either feeling so isolated from everything, or I'm worrying about a million things all at once. I've tried different was to exercise my brain to stay focused and to stay present, but it is only temporary. My mind has been drawing a blank for a long time, but I feel like it has gotten worse. Today, I went to my professor to pick up a copy of an assignment and when she would ask a question, I wasn't able to explain my answer. I was listening to her as she went through the assignment, but it was not sticking to my head. This happens way too often and it terrifies me for the future. I also find myself being way more sensitive than I was before. I get very irritable that I am a pain in the ass. I get very sad that I will burst into tears right way. I get so worried that my heart rate increases and I begin to have anxiety attacks. I can tell you that it sucks. My parents are against the idea about taking medication for any mental health issues. So, I try my best to find alternative ways to help myself, but it doesn't last very long. The more I experience this, the more I feel like I need medication to stabilize everything. I know that it's my choice and I'm an adult, but it doesn't feel right to go against what my parents want for me. They want me to cope with everything naturally, but they don't realize that it's actually worsening. I'm planning on speaking to my mom once more about it and try to speak to my dad (who I am afraid to talk to about more) this weekend before I make my next appointment with my psychologist to refer me to a psychiatrist who can help me in that area. I don't think I can go on with my life any further like this, because everything is starting to terrify me.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Is Anyone Available?

Here I am again, crying. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. The only explanation is my depression. First, I have anxiety about my exams. Now, I'm having second thoughts about something I really wanted to do and I was really excited about. I'm not sure what's going on. There are a million things running through my head right now and I can't help but cry. It could be the feeling of isolation. The feeling that I'm being forgotten. The feeling that I am no longer someone. Who am I? I don't need anyone, right? Wrong. I need someone to be there for me, to comfort me when I'm feeling like this, and lately there has only been one person, when I used to have more around me. Am I being pushed away? I don't know, but it feels that way. It's like I'm losing people in my life one at a time. I'm starting to think about my existence. Why am I here? What's the point of me trying to save myself? What's the point of trying my hardest to get a hold of someone I need to be there for me? I'm just invisible, and I have been my whole life, but why am I still here? I don't think anyone would notice if I just disappear besides my family.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Feeling Isolated.

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I should continue studying right now, but I'll just take a break to post something on here. The reason why I started this blog was to share bits of my life, but there has been nothing to post lately. I've grown out of sharing the cliche things that are usually seen on a young adult's blog. The only thing that I can and want to post is my thoughts that are some what okay to share with the internet world. So here it goes...

Lately, I've been feeling isolated and out of place. Like I'm stuck in a bubble, screaming, but no one can hear me. I might be really good at hiding my emotions, because it seems like everyone thinks that I'm okay. I'm really not. I don't want to try and cause attention towards myself, but it would be nice to know that there are people who can figure it out. It seems like the only people who understand what goes on are those who can relate to me, or just the ones who listen to me carefully. I sometimes feel forgotten about, and it sucks. Would anyone notice if I just disappear for a few days? Maybe. I'm not quite sure anymore. There are people who I can talk to, but I'm scared of how they would react. So, sharing things scare me. Some don't listen carefully or understand what I'm trying to say. I know that they have their own problems, and I wouldn't want to dump my issues on them. I just don't know who is there for me anymore.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm drained from everything.

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