Monday, July 31, 2017

Inhale, Exhale.

Image via Pinterest

It has been so long since I've last posted something. Probably, because I have been going to therapy and I've felt happier. Lately, my moods have gone down and I don't know why. I'm back to feeling negative vibes from people and I just don't know what to do. I suddenly feel very left out. I just started working at an internship right after I graduated as an undergrad (I still can't believe it), and I thought I would like it, but turns out I don't. I'm definitely not getting the experience that I want. And the environment just makes triggers both my anxiety and depression. It sucks. With this internship, I feel like I'm back in school rather than actually working. I'm given assignments and I have to format things. That's not what I want to do. I also don't get to shadow a professional, because everything is self-taught. I guess it's whatever with the school assignment aspect of the internship because I'm going to grad school, but I still want actual work experience. I'm constantly teared down by everything and a handful of people. I thought my panic attacks would lessen, but I've had more at this internship than during the semester. I've told people about my mental health to make them aware about what I go through and things that may happen to me. Though, I didn't think that so many people would be so insensitive. I am never feeling myself when I enter the office. I feel congested with judgment. It's hard for me to let go of things in the first place, so I will continuously think of the worst things possible. I'm just done with everything. It's my last week, and I plan to move forward to find something that I will be happy with. I will find the experience that I want and need to reach my goal. I just need to breathe in and breathe out slowly throughout the rest of the week.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Losing Track.

I feel like my life has not been consistent in a way that my brain does not process things very well, meaning, it takes a little time for me to realize that I need to pay close attention to what I'm doing. My mind often dozes off because I'm either feeling so isolated from everything, or I'm worrying about a million things all at once. I've tried different was to exercise my brain to stay focused and to stay present, but it is only temporary. My mind has been drawing a blank for a long time, but I feel like it has gotten worse. Today, I went to my professor to pick up a copy of an assignment and when she would ask a question, I wasn't able to explain my answer. I was listening to her as she went through the assignment, but it was not sticking to my head. This happens way too often and it terrifies me for the future. I also find myself being way more sensitive than I was before. I get very irritable that I am a pain in the ass. I get very sad that I will burst into tears right way. I get so worried that my heart rate increases and I begin to have anxiety attacks. I can tell you that it sucks. My parents are against the idea about taking medication for any mental health issues. So, I try my best to find alternative ways to help myself, but it doesn't last very long. The more I experience this, the more I feel like I need medication to stabilize everything. I know that it's my choice and I'm an adult, but it doesn't feel right to go against what my parents want for me. They want me to cope with everything naturally, but they don't realize that it's actually worsening. I'm planning on speaking to my mom once more about it and try to speak to my dad (who I am afraid to talk to about more) this weekend before I make my next appointment with my psychologist to refer me to a psychiatrist who can help me in that area. I don't think I can go on with my life any further like this, because everything is starting to terrify me.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Is Anyone Available?

Here I am again, crying. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. The only explanation is my depression. First, I have anxiety about my exams. Now, I'm having second thoughts about something I really wanted to do and I was really excited about. I'm not sure what's going on. There are a million things running through my head right now and I can't help but cry. It could be the feeling of isolation. The feeling that I'm being forgotten. The feeling that I am no longer someone. Who am I? I don't need anyone, right? Wrong. I need someone to be there for me, to comfort me when I'm feeling like this, and lately there has only been one person, when I used to have more around me. Am I being pushed away? I don't know, but it feels that way. It's like I'm losing people in my life one at a time. I'm starting to think about my existence. Why am I here? What's the point of me trying to save myself? What's the point of trying my hardest to get a hold of someone I need to be there for me? I'm just invisible, and I have been my whole life, but why am I still here? I don't think anyone would notice if I just disappear besides my family.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Feeling Isolated.

Image via Pinterest
I should continue studying right now, but I'll just take a break to post something on here. The reason why I started this blog was to share bits of my life, but there has been nothing to post lately. I've grown out of sharing the cliche things that are usually seen on a young adult's blog. The only thing that I can and want to post is my thoughts that are some what okay to share with the internet world. So here it goes...

Lately, I've been feeling isolated and out of place. Like I'm stuck in a bubble, screaming, but no one can hear me. I might be really good at hiding my emotions, because it seems like everyone thinks that I'm okay. I'm really not. I don't want to try and cause attention towards myself, but it would be nice to know that there are people who can figure it out. It seems like the only people who understand what goes on are those who can relate to me, or just the ones who listen to me carefully. I sometimes feel forgotten about, and it sucks. Would anyone notice if I just disappear for a few days? Maybe. I'm not quite sure anymore. There are people who I can talk to, but I'm scared of how they would react. So, sharing things scare me. Some don't listen carefully or understand what I'm trying to say. I know that they have their own problems, and I wouldn't want to dump my issues on them. I just don't know who is there for me anymore.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm drained from everything.

Friday, October 28, 2016

I Don't Know What To Do Anymore.

For a while, I 've been having trouble finding an internship. The process is nervewrecking, to be honest. I'm just starting to think that I'm not good enough for anything.  It totally sucks. I chose to be in one of the most competitive careers out there. Why? I'm not quite sure. I mean, I like the aspect of the career, but I have not yet landed an internship. That makes me feel worse about myself and I'm self-conscious about my grades. Maybe that's why, but I'm constantly told that grades don't really matter. On the other hand, it seems like it does because those who have better grades end up with the position. I can't really explain what goes on with my head. How I often lose motivation, and how I often lose focus because I'm worried about something else. I can't really explain that. There's no option for that when I'm applying, because it's not severe. Although my resume could say I'm not doing enough, I can't add that my grades are like this because of that. It's just not in the nature of a formal resume. You can't add a personal problem. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I've made the wrong choice. I feel like maybe I've chose the wrong career path. It's like it's not right for me, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm almost done. I'm almost getting my degree. So, why should I give up? I shouldn't. I put way too much pressure on myself and as a result, it gets worse for me. Maybe I should just stop thinking, but it's hard for me, because I'm constantly worrying. I have to remind myself that if I stop worrying so much and do what I did last semester, the outcome would be so much better for me. I just have to be strong about it.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I've Learned Something.

On October 20, 2016 between the hours of 11:00am to 12:00pm, I had my first official session at the Counseling Center at my school. I poured out my feelings, and I talked about myself and my problems. It was hard for me, but the Psychologist that I spoke with made me feel like I can trust her and it was okay. I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn't. It felt good to just cry and not feel embarrassed. She eased into the questions that she had to ask, and it made it easy for me to answer. Eventually, we got to the main purpose of my session... I have persistent depression and I also have anxiety. It feels nice to know what I was concerned about myself was actually true. I obviously couldn't diagnose myself, so hearing it from a professional made everything clear. I'm going to be honest, I was hesitant in making an appointment and seeing someone about it. I wasn't sure if it would help me, in fact, I think I was just scared to open up. During my session, I would bring up some actions, like fidgeting and blanking out or losing focus, and it's due to the anxiety and depression taking over. I didn't know that. I just thought it was a bad habit. I do have a mild case of depression and it will come and go, but it will always linger somewhere. Now, I know that everything that I'm feeling and every action could come from either one of those things, or even both.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016


I try to be happy, but I can't. I try to worry less, but I simply can't. It really sucks to feel the way I do. I often feel so alone. I often question my existence. Like, what is my purpose living anyway? Lately, all I want to do is cry and this time it has nothing to do with school really. I just feel this sadness growing inside of me everyday. I'm not sure what's going on. I could be going through a crisis, but it's been there for a while. Maybe it's a long-term crisis. I want to know how it feels to be happy. Yeah, I do have moments where I look happy, but it's only short-lived. At this very moment as I'm typing this, I want to cry. I need to cry. All I have been doing lately is cry. I have no one really to talk to. Well, I do, but I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. So, what's the point of living exactly? I'm not sure. I can't even speak to my parents and express how I feel, because I don't know how. I feel like I'm often forgotten about by my surroundings. And so Internet, I'm going to try to express myself to you. 
It frustrates me how I keep helping people and they're not appreciative of my help. It frustrates me that I am constantly left out of things. I understand that I'm not quite an extrovert, but I just want to fit in somewhere. I recently found out that I was never on the roster of an organization that I am a part of. Now, I'm actually thinking about quitting. I'm always alone and no one really talks to me, besides a handful of people. I'm pushed off to the side. Anyway, I'm going to get back on track. It also frustrates me how people want to make me starve to death. I am constantly told that I've gained some weight or that I'm somewhat fat. I've tried actually dieting, but seeing nothing. It frustrates me how people treat me like I'm dumb. What's the point of working hard and getting educated when I'm treated this way?
I'm honestly just exhausted. I'm exhausted about all of this. Again, what's the point of living? When am I going to feel happy? When will I stop worrying so much? I'm not sure.

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