Sunday, October 18, 2015

We Meet Again.

So, we meet again through a blog post. I haven't been blogging lately, because I just didn't feel like it. As always, school got in the way. Anyway, let's get on with the topic of discussion. 
For a long time, probably since I was in elementary school as a 10 year old, I had never felt like I belong anywhere. Yeah, I had a lot friends, but I just felt like I didn't quite fit anywhere at all. I would have these negative thoughts run through my mind most the of time. Just sad, depressing thoughts, specifically suicidal, and I had and still have no idea why I have these thoughts. After leaving elementary school, I headed to a middle school that most of my elementary school friends ended up not going to. That meant that I could start over, and that I did. I was the same person, but I tried to be more positive, and more outgoing than I already was. For a while I blocked those negative thoughts out and just tried to live happily. Those thoughts stayed out of my mind throughout middle school and also my first year of high school. I was known as an extroverted girl with many friends that didn't really care if I was crazy or weird. I would hide my negativity behind positivity and claimed that I love life. That wasn't what I've always felt. I hated my life, in general. I would cry a lot and many people would say that I would cry about every little thing. Truth is, I hid the real reason. I would get paranoid with people around me. I would get paranoid about whether they're talking bad about me or laughing about me. I would get paranoid that people just didn't like me. 
I would often get a vibe from people that they didn't want to talk to me or try to talk to me or try to be my friend when I became a sophomore in high school, after all, I moved to a different state and different environment the summer before starting sophomore year. I then became an introvert from feeling this way about people. I suddenly wasn't open to trusting anyone. My aunt would try to get these ideas in my head as a child that you can't trust anyone at all and I started to believe that. I didn't like talking about my feelings. I didn't like showing that I wanted to breakdown. I would bottle everything up and act tough. I also became socially awkward and that is the reason why I avoid socializing. I just stay quiet when I'm around people that I don't know. I don't have a problem talking to people, but I just choose to talk to certain people that don't seem as intimidating to me. I usually sit back and observe. 
I once was messaging a friend about something and he called me a wallflower, just like how Patrick tells everyone at a party that Charlie is a wallflower in the novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (aka my favorite book), because he observes, listens, and understands. I know that I may sound like a nerd by referencing my favorite book, but hey, that's where the idea might have came from. I observe. I listen. Though, I'm not sure if I understand. I usually read people and I can tell what type of person they are, but I still don't understand them. Instead, I just understand what's going on, like if they're willing to speak to me or not.
Moving on, I started to feel this emptiness for a while, even when I transitioned into college. Just the other day, I was feeling depressed and those dark thoughts started to come back. I wanted to cry the whole day, but I just couldn't at school. Everyone would've freaked out and probably think that I'm a freak for randomly crying. I started tearing up while driving when I was almost home, but I held it back. Once I got home, I just burst into tears. I just felt that I've lost control of everything in my life. I felt that my life has gone downhill. I was having suicidal thoughts again. I even tweeted about not existing anymore thinking that no one will care anyway, but I was wrong. My best friend saw it and reach out to me and I got better when she told me that she is willing to listen, or in this case, read about what was going on. Some of my reasons included school and friends, just small things that people don't normally cry about. My mind thinks of the worst things all the time, but I know that there are people out there that do care about me and I should just go on with my life.
I know this post is pretty dark and depressing, but I thought that maybe it was time for me to share something that I've been hiding for years.

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