Losing Track.

I feel like my life has not been consistent in a way that my brain does not process things very well, meaning, it takes a little time for me to realize that I need to pay close attention to what I'm doing. My mind often dozes off because I'm either feeling so isolated from everything, or I'm worrying about a million things all at once. I've tried different was to exercise my brain to stay focused and to stay present, but it is only temporary. My mind has been drawing a blank for a long time, but I feel like it has gotten worse. Today, I went to my professor to pick up a copy of an assignment and when she would ask a question, I wasn't able to explain my answer. I was listening to her as she went through the assignment, but it was not sticking to my head. This happens way too often and it terrifies me for the future. I also find myself being way more sensitive than I was before. I get very irritable that I am a pain in the ass. I get very sad that I will burst into tears right way. I get so worried that my heart rate increases and I begin to have anxiety attacks. I can tell you that it sucks. My parents are against the idea about taking medication for any mental health issues. So, I try my best to find alternative ways to help myself, but it doesn't last very long. The more I experience this, the more I feel like I need medication to stabilize everything. I know that it's my choice and I'm an adult, but it doesn't feel right to go against what my parents want for me. They want me to cope with everything naturally, but they don't realize that it's actually worsening. I'm planning on speaking to my mom once more about it and try to speak to my dad (who I am afraid to talk to about more) this weekend before I make my next appointment with my psychologist to refer me to a psychiatrist who can help me in that area. I don't think I can go on with my life any further like this, because everything is starting to terrify me.

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Feeling Isolated.

Image via Pinterest

I should continue studying right now, but I'll just take a break to post something on here. The reason why I started this blog was to share bits of my life, but there has been nothing to post lately. I've grown out of sharing the cliche things that are usually seen on a young adult's blog. The only thing that I can and want to post is my thoughts that are some what okay to share with the internet world. So here it goes...

Lately, I've been feeling isolated and out of place. Like I'm stuck in a bubble, screaming, but no one can hear me. I might be really good at hiding my emotions, because it seems like everyone thinks that I'm okay. I'm really not. I don't want to try and cause attention towards myself, but it would be nice to know that there are people who can figure it out. It seems like the only people who understand what goes on are those who can relate to me, or just the ones who listen to me carefully. I sometimes feel forgotten about, and it sucks. Would anyone notice if I just disappear for a few days? Maybe. I'm not quite sure anymore. There are people who I can talk to, but I'm scared of how they would react. So, sharing things scare me. Some don't listen carefully or understand what I'm trying to say. I know that they have their own problems, and I wouldn't want to dump my issues on them. I just don't know who is there for me anymore.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm drained from everything.

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I've Learned Something.

On October 20, 2016 between the hours of 11:00am to 12:00pm, I had my first official session at the Counseling Center at my school. I poured out my feelings, and I talked about myself and my problems. It was hard for me, but the Psychologist that I spoke with made me feel like I can trust her and it was okay. I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn't. It felt good to just cry and not feel embarrassed. She eased into the questions that she had to ask, and it made it easy for me to answer. Eventually, we got to the main purpose of my session... I have persistent depression and I also have anxiety. It feels nice to know what I was concerned about myself was actually true. I obviously couldn't diagnose myself, so hearing it from a professional made everything clear. I'm going to be honest, I was hesitant in making an appointment and seeing someone about it. I wasn't sure if it would help me, in fact, I think I was just scared to open up. During my session, I would bring up some actions, like fidgeting and blanking out or losing focus, and it's due to the anxiety and depression taking over. I didn't know that. I just thought it was a bad habit. I do have a mild case of depression and it will come and go, but it will always linger somewhere. Now, I know that everything that I'm feeling and every action could come from either one of those things, or even both.

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I'm an Adult?

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So, I'm considered an adult. What is the real definition of an adult? I don't feel like an adult. What makes me an adult? I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out life itself. I can't even get my life together, but if I did, I wouldn't be human. After weeks of relaxing after a whole year of being a student and taking classes, I finally got to relax. I have to admit, it felt weird when I was finally free from work. I then got used to being able to be carefree a bit. I then woke up to reality and I realized that I needed to find a job and internships to earn experience and some money while I finish my last year as an undergraduate. It's crazy how I'm almost done with school. I began my job and internship search this week and I also created a new cover letter. I just hope I'm good enough. To be honest, everything scares me and I just think of the worst for myself and of myself. I always feel pressured because I have the mind of a perfectionist. It actually sucks having that mind set sometimes, but hey, that's just who I am. I am now in my twenties and I would like to do a million things, but I'm afraid that I won't get to anytime soon. There are people my age who are fortunate enough to do those things that they've dreamt of now. I'm just waiting for my time to do those things. My mom has always told me to not think too much far ahead in life, because I am creating scenarios and I might end up disappointed in the end, which has happened before. I just need to find a way to only think of the present, be aware of the present, and keep my expectations leveled. The only way that I can do that is distract myself, like how I did during the recent spring semester. I actually surprised myself and was beyond happy. I'm usually... just content. As a reminder to myself, I should distract myself with only things happening in front of me, don't expect too much, and think positively, even when everything goes wrong or it's just not my day. I'm not a kid, but not an adult. I'm going to have times where it's okay to be a kid, and times where I have to be an adult, or the society's definition of an adult.

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Questioning Life Again.

I honestly do not understand people. Like, their actions and choices. A lot of things do not make any sense to me. How one interacts with another. I always find myself being too nice and I can't help it. No matter what, I will always try to find a way to help someone for certain situations. Of course, I am only human and I can't always help someone. The thing is that, I don't get the same act of kindness in return. Yeah sure, to some people their act may be viewed as the same, but it is actually not. I push everything aside to help them and I often forget about what I'm doing. I am constantly used and it sucks. I don't really think about it, but when I find myself sitting and thinking deeply, I notice it. I tend to keep things bottled up to the point where I will only think of the negatives in my life, which is pretty bad. So, I always ask why haven't I gotten a good outcome out of helping and being kind to these people? I admit that I have a slight RBF, but it doesn't mean that I'm mean. These interactions with these people make me dislike people. In the past, I didn't have anything against the general people, but as I grew up and opened my eyes, I grew to not liking people. That is why I've become more of an introvert. I am an ambivert, but more of an introvert. I do get anxious around people, but I'm not afraid of talking to people. I often isolate myself out of socializing in a crowd of people. I sometimes think it's because of who I am and my background. As you can see, I am an Asian American and there are always those stereotypes. I can tell you that I come from a very Americanized family, which does not fulfill the whole stereotype. Maybe its the way I dress. I do not have a specific label for the way I dress. I just put things that go well together, but I often go for something with a vintage feel to it. I don't know. Maybe just NYC street style? Most likely. It could be that I make myself seem shy, because I barely talk. I don't really like gossip. I will listen and give my feedback, but I don't go around gossiping. That could be another thing, we don't have anything in common because I don't do what they do. I don't party. I don't really socialize. That is just who I am, but I find myself always alone. It's the judgement of looking past my personality and just seeing what I look like. Like, what? This is why I have trouble making a lot of friends. Most times I feel unappreciated. It really sucks. It's the way people are around me and how they treat me that make me feel this way. I wish I knew why.

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I'm Terrible At This.

I've created this blog to share my life with the internet world. Of course I would not share every little detail in my life, but that was the purpose. It's basically a public journal. I did not have a theme like fashion, food, or beauty when I started this blog. I wasn't sure if people would read it or follow my blog. I'm not really good at promoting myself, because I'm not looking for "fame." This is mostly lifestyle, and there are better looking blogs out there. I've tried my best to be consistent with posting, even if it's a small, short post. I've been caught up with real world situations that I have forgotten about blogging for a while. There have been certain times where I did not know what to post. I wasn't doing anything creative. I didn't have anything exciting to share. I could've done hauls and stuff, the typical girl blogger things. I did not feel like blogging any of that. I guess I'm growing out of that. So, maybe I'll start blogging my thoughts and major events in my life. I want to try my best to be consistent, but I have reached the point in my life where I can't do this full time. I will be terrible at posting things, but that's okay. I'm getting close to entering the real world, and I want to focus on that now. I wish I can be called a "blogger," but I obviously can't. I don't think I would label myself that. So, I'll be here from time to time, but not all the time.

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All Over the Place.

It's about the final stretch of the semester and I am pretty much done, mentally and physically. I have two group projects and it's killing me, because everyone is procrastinating and I have to worry about other deadlines and other classes. I suddenly want to quit school and do something that I would love to do. I basically would love to do something in the entertainment industry or something I really enjoy doing like art or photography. Well, anything that pertains to the general idea of art or the arts. I love music. I enjoy acting. I love art. I mean I can still do it, but right now, I don't want to go on further with school. I want to get my life started. Just a few days ago, I went to a concert and I wondered what my life would have been if I did do something I really love and enjoy, like the musicians that I've watched from the front row. They're so passionate in what they do that they are traveling and making a lot of people happy. I just want that feeling. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to do everything all at once. I'm just overly exhausted. These next two weeks have to be over. Then, I can just focus on what I need to focus. I need to go on a retreat to relax and unwind.

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Quarter Life Crisis.

Hi, I was going through a crisis about 2 weeks ago and I think I'm going to be okay. Well, there's still one big factor that I have to deal with, but I've figured out something. 2 weeks ago, I found myself contemplating on life and what I should succeed in life. I wanted to back down from what I am currently doing and pursue in something much different. I was asking myself: Should I even do this? What if I can't handle it? Is it too late? I wasn't sure about my life and career path anymore. Here's a video of me explaining my crisis:

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Sorry I'm Late.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope it's going well so far. This is the first blog post of 2016 and I would like to start off strong. I would usually do a recap of the prior year, but it just didn't feel right, because I personally feel that 2015 was full of negativity. Not a lot of wonderful things happened either. So, there was no need for that. I am keeping a positive mindset and hopefully my mind will stay positive for the majority of the year. As a human, I will not be positive all the time, but I can try my best. Positivity is always a new years resolution of mine and that is all I need. It is definitely a goal that I will not give up on. I really hope that this year will be one of the best yet. I want it to be and I will make it possible. I just have to remind myself of some of the good things that I haven't encountered before. Maybe I'll change a little bit of something in my life. I'm not sure. I want to try out doing something different like vlogging more. I honestly don't feel comfortable talking to a camera, even though it may not seem like that. It's just something I don't really share anyway and maybe I should be more out there. I should try to be more like an extrovert and push myself. I tend to play things safe and the outcome can go both ways. Let's just hope this year will be a good year for me.

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Flustered.

My mind has been all over the place that I can't seem to remember that this blog exists. I've been writing in my journal, which I have invested for venting out my emotions and feelings, when I find the time to. It keeps me sane and together, which I honestly would've never thought it would, but it does when no one has the time to listen. I know that this may seem like it would be a good idea for me to go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist to see what's going on in my head, but I don't think I have the need to since it comes and goes. For a time, I thought that I would need it, but a friend made me see a different side to how I was feeling. Everything leads down to school, of course. Now that the semester is over, my anxiety continues to take over. I'm actually trying really hard to think positive. After all, positive thoughts bring better outcomes. Just the other day, I ended up crying out of nowhere, because I was just worried. I even almost cried at a family friend's party. Both of my parents try to make me feel better by keeping their minds positive and believing in me, which keeps me a little calm. It's definitely hard. I had a bad dream about receiving a grade in one class that I woke up in panic. It could be from worrying way too much about it. It hasn't been the best semester and I wish it was a good semester. I just have to believe in myself as much as my parents believe in me. My insecurities and paranoia may get in the way though. I just have to try to block it. I was just thinking that, this year isn't really my year. 2015 did not go as well as I thought it would go from the beginning. So, let's just hope 2016 and the next semester will go very well and the key is to believe... OH MY GOSH. I've just realized that this was a sign from when I did an escape room with my friends. One of the clues was spelling out "believe." Mind blown! I'm actually really tired right now and probably delirious since it's 2 something in the morning and I have to be up in about a little less than 6 hours. There has been many signs appearing in front of me lately, and I am going to take my chances and follow them, because that may lead me to where I want to be. Wow, I am getting deep. Anyway, until the next time I remember or have something to blog about, type you later. Hopefully, I will get my life together soon.

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Unbalanced Moods.

Image via Pinterest.

Hi there. So, as a woman, my moods fluctuate quite a lot. I've been feeling angry, happy, and sad within a certain period of time. Just last week, I had a stage of depression and I just was miserable. On Sunday and Monday, I felt useless and very anxious that I was crying while I was studying for an exam. And now, I feel content, still anxious, but content. This morning, I snapped at someone because I was just getting annoyed and I'm assuming that said person thought I would let them push me around. I'm human and I have my limitations. I usually let things go, but it was reaching up to a point that I had to literally give them the finger and curse. Yeah, I did that today. I might have surprised people, but hey, I can't hold back forever. Another person knew that I was stressing out and I wasn't in the mood, after all, I had two exams today and they knew about it. The thing that ticked me off was that said person wanted me to tell them what was on the exam that I was able to take early. I obviously couldn't, because it would not be fair for anyone. That said person knows that I'm too nice (which has its pros and cons) and they thought that I would cave in easily. I'm sorry, but how would that benefit me? I wouldn't feel good about it from beginning to the end. I honestly would be happy if this person stops talking to me. They are a distraction to my studies. Plus, I don't really like them. Moving on, other than getting annoyed and building up anger, I'm okay now. For a few days, I was feeling sadness, and then I was feeling happiness. I'm trying to figure out why this happens, but it's totally normal because I've actually spoke about it with my mom and friend and they sometimes feel the same things. It could just be hormones too. So, these moods are just female things I guess.

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We Meet Again.

So, we meet again through a blog post. I haven't been blogging lately, because I just didn't feel like it. As always, school got in the way. Anyway, let's get on with the topic of discussion. 

For a long time, probably since I was in elementary school as a 10 year old, I had never felt like I belong anywhere. Yeah, I had a lot friends, but I just felt like I didn't quite fit anywhere at all. I would have these negative thoughts run through my mind most the of time. Just sad, depressing thoughts, specifically suicidal, and I had and still have no idea why I have these thoughts. After leaving elementary school, I headed to a middle school that most of my elementary school friends ended up not going to. That meant that I could start over, and that I did. I was the same person, but I tried to be more positive, and more outgoing than I already was. For a while I blocked those negative thoughts out and just tried to live happily. Those thoughts stayed out of my mind throughout middle school and also my first year of high school. I was known as an extroverted girl with many friends that didn't really care if I was crazy or weird. I would hide my negativity behind positivity and claimed that I love life. That wasn't what I've always felt. I hated my life, in general. I would cry a lot and many people would say that I would cry about every little thing. Truth is, I hid the real reason. I would get paranoid with people around me. I would get paranoid about whether they're talking bad about me or laughing about me. I would get paranoid that people just didn't like me. 

I would often get a vibe from people that they didn't want to talk to me or try to talk to me or try to be my friend when I became a sophomore in high school, after all, I moved to a different state and different environment the summer before starting sophomore year. I then became an introvert from feeling this way about people. I suddenly wasn't open to trusting anyone. My aunt would try to get these ideas in my head as a child that you can't trust anyone at all and I started to believe that. I didn't like talking about my feelings. I didn't like showing that I wanted to breakdown. I would bottle everything up and act tough. I also became socially awkward and that is the reason why I avoid socializing. I just stay quiet when I'm around people that I don't know. I don't have a problem talking to people, but I just choose to talk to certain people that don't seem as intimidating to me. I usually sit back and observe. 

I once was messaging a friend about something and he called me a wallflower, just like how Patrick tells everyone at a party that Charlie is a wallflower in the novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (aka my favorite book), because he observes, listens, and understands. I know that I may sound like a nerd by referencing my favorite book, but hey, that's where the idea might have came from. I observe. I listen. Though, I'm not sure if I understand. I usually read people and I can tell what type of person they are, but I still don't understand them. Instead, I just understand what's going on, like if they're willing to speak to me or not.

Moving on, I started to feel this emptiness for a while, even when I transitioned into college. Just the other day, I was feeling depressed and those dark thoughts started to come back. I wanted to cry the whole day, but I just couldn't at school. Everyone would've freaked out and probably think that I'm a freak for randomly crying. I started tearing up while driving when I was almost home, but I held it back. Once I got home, I just burst into tears. I just felt that I've lost control of everything in my life. I felt that my life has gone downhill. I was having suicidal thoughts again. I even tweeted about not existing anymore thinking that no one will care anyway, but I was wrong. My best friend saw it and reach out to me and I got better when she told me that she is willing to listen, or in this case, read about what was going on. Some of my reasons included school and friends, just small things that people don't normally cry about. My mind thinks of the worst things all the time, but I know that there are people out there that do care about me and I should just go on with my life.

I know this post is pretty dark and depressing, but I thought that maybe it was time for me to share something that I've been hiding for years.

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Where Are You Summer? Where Can I Find You?

Hey, Hi, Hello! Just a little update of what has been going on. I just finished the first session of summer classes and it feels great. I now have to worry about the second session.  I'm on a small, three day break from my classes right now and I'm just catching up on some things. It seems like the more I do school work, the more I get lazy. Or it's just that I'm working too hard that I want to be lazy. Either way, I just want a nice break. The reason why I'm taking two summer sessions is so I would have a nice summer vacation next year. My plan is to get everything out of the way so that I can finish all of my schooling on time. Anyway, with school in the way of me actually doing nothing, I try my best to make some free time for myself. So, I set up schedules to submit things before the due date and make sure that I am free on the weekends. Everyone knows that a Thursday is a "college Friday," and that's what I try to keep in mind when I do my school work. I try to keep my Fridays free so that I can enjoy relaxing and doing what I want, so that summer will feel like summer. I also try to keep my Wednesday schedule to a minimum amount of work, because Wednesdays are the days where I spend the whole day with my mom and I won't have time to do a lot of work. I'm just counting down the days until I'm free from these summer classes, which will be the last week of July. It seems long, but it actually goes by fast. Making a schedule definitely helps lower stress levels and increase happiness. 

Aside from summer classes, let me tell you about the non-school related things that I've done. I did the usual: hang out with my cousins and friends, grab a bit to eat, go shopping, and catch up on shows through Netflix. I've just planned out everything for the next few weeks and I hope it goes s'well and that I don't breakdown.

True Food Kitchen

Avocado and Kale Dip

Cucumber Refresher

Spaghetti Squash

Hirshhorn Museum

Forty Carrots @ Bloomingdales: Regular plain frozen yogurt.

Morgenstern's: Salted pretzel caramel ice cream.

Hot N' Juicy: 2lb. crawfish and sweet potato fries.

The Melt Shop: Fried chicken sandwich and Nutella milk shake.

Bakeshop: Vanilla Macwich.

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I'm Still Trying to Understand.

Image via WeHeartIt

This is, I guess, another personal post. It's just me expressing my mind. I can save this as a draft and keep it to myself, but this is not dramatic and negative and somewhat offensive. Usually when people are angry and they express their minds, they do get aggressive with words and that's just what human beings do. I admit that I have posted blog posts that are like that and I've come to realization that this is the internet and it may appear unprofessional. So, I've made them private for myself by saving them as drafts and avoid them being published. During those times, I had to vent because if you're like me and you just don't have anyone around you that you feel comfortable to speak about things that bother you, then you would have to write it down or type it out. And here I am again, typing out my feelings and thoughts. The other day, actually just yesterday, I found myself feeling annoyed and out of place. I've already told my mom and best friend about it yesterday because they just help me understand what I deal with. So, there's a colleague that pretty much gives me the cold shoulder for no reason. Like, I just get this vibe from her that she does not like me at all and to be honest, I've been nothing but nice to her. Even from day one when I met her last school year, I was being kind and friendly because why not make a new friend. I've noticed and felt this after a few days of being around her since my friend and I always hang out during a small break after class. My friend and I invited her to join us during our break and so she was usually with us. She would rather talk to that one friend more than me, and so, I just sit there in silence because she does not make any eye contact with me whatsoever, only occasionally. Then when this school year started, I did not have any classes with her during the fall semester and that was fine with me. When the spring semester began, I ended up being in one class with her, but I made and had friends in that class anyway. She still gave me the same vibe. The thing with her is that she is willing to talk to me, but she still doesn't want to talk to me. Yesterday pushed me a little further. Usually for the class, my group of friends and I would check with each other if we have the same answers for the homework and yesterday during the class's review session, she just went around me and asked my other two friends when she could've asked me since I was nearer. It's funny because she didn't ignore me at all on the day of our midterm exam. After the review, we all decided to get lunch together and when she had to leave, she said goodbye to everyone by saying bye and hugging everyone, but completely ignored me. She acted like I wasn't there. Obviously, she doesn't want to be my friend because she does act like snob towards me. I'm okay with that, because I really don't need a person like that in my life and making me feel like I've done something wrong. She is prejudice towards me and that's wrong. I've seen a pattern that she seems to only make friends with those who appear like they party or they're rich. My style is comfortable and edgy and maybe that could be another reason. I understand that I may have different interests than her, but it gives her no reason to be like that. This just makes me not understand people at all. Why are people like this? It's not high school anymore, you can't be seen as the "popular" person in college/university. I have gotten this vibe in high school (the one I moved to during sophomore year) and now I'm getting in college? Seriously? What happened to being mature adults? It's just plain wrong. Poor judgment just makes a person look bad.

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Days Away.

Hey there, the semester is almost over and I am closer to being a little less stressed. It's been a while since I last post something, so here I am. I'd like to start off by saying that this semester went by very fast and I'm glad that it did. It brings me closer to my future and career path. The only thing that I need to do to get through the remaining days is thinking positive and working hard. I get a few days off after exams, but then I have summer courses to take. The thing that's good about these summer courses is that I don't have to be physically in class for them. That's right, I'm taking online classes. I've heard mixed things about online classes, but I rather have time for other activites in the summer, especially in the summer. My plan is to finish as much as I can, in terms of courses, so that I can relax and be a regular young adult. Lazy and enjoying life. Just kidding. I would still need things to keep me occupied. But getting to relax is probably the best thing ever. I mean, I do relax from time to time, but I would like a longer time frame for that. As cliché as this sounds, hard work pays off and I believe that. Patience is the key to all of this, and I admit that I'm not the most patient person, but I have to let that sink in. I like to let things happen on its own. I know that certain thing happen by force, but I don't want to mess with the ways of life. Wow. This post is getting technical with beliefs. Anyway, I'm just days away from having a life outside of being a full time student and I'm counting down.

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