To You

It has been almost two years since I've last wrote here, but something brought me back. Feeling used is not a pleasant thing, especially when you start to fall for someone. And that's what happened to me. This is the closure I will never get. This is my letter to you.

I was led on to think I was that special person, the only one, the right one. I put my energy to making things work after you told me that it will. Most guys will contribute to my trust issues. I was made to believe that you were different. You are not. You are, in fact, worse. I know what we had didn't go as far, but you made me believe that it would. Since the first night I met you, I had my guard up. I didn't want to become attached, and that is why I did not open up to you. I needed to know that I can trust you. We were still new and I didn't want to scare you away if I were to open up about everything. I didn't want you to leave. I enjoyed our moments. I loved our intimate moments. I just don't understand what went wrong. I just don't know how you moved on so quickly. I clearly can't. My heart kept sinking every time you posted something with the person you left me for. I wondered why you kept me around though. Why didn't you let me go? Why did you let me constantly reach out to you? Why couldn't you communicate with me? You obviously made your choice. I just want to know what made you leave. We were supposed to go on another date, do you remember that? That's where it all began, when you began avoiding me. I woke up that morning feeling extremely happy. I put on makeup, a nice outfit, and made sure I got out of work early. All that time was wasted. You were the first guy I ever deeply made eye contact with. You didn't get a chance to know that eye contact is something that makes me uncomfortable, but you made me feel comfortable. You made realty go away. I just want you to know that I'm not in love with you, but I loved what we shared. A part of me is thankful that what we had went as far as it could, because I would've fallen in love and you would still hurt me along the way. I can tell you that I do feel damaged, way more damaged than the other times a guy hurts me. Did you know that you were going to hurt me? Did you actually care for me? Obviously not enough, right? You would constantly try to pick my brain, wanting to know what I'm thinking about. Was that all an act to show that you cared? I'm still confused. I'm confused on how you made all these future plans with me. I'm confused on how you would ask me to stay the night. What was all of that? I wish you would tell me. I just wish I can get an answer. All I know is that, you are not right for me. You are an example of what I don't need and what I don't want. I need to let you go. I will let you go.

I Don't Know What To Do Anymore.

For a while, I 've been having trouble finding an internship. The process is nervewrecking, to be honest. I'm just starting to think that I'm not good enough for anything.  It totally sucks. I chose to be in one of the most competitive careers out there. Why? I'm not quite sure. I mean, I like the aspect of the career, but I have not yet landed an internship. That makes me feel worse about myself and I'm self-conscious about my grades. Maybe that's why, but I'm constantly told that grades don't really matter. On the other hand, it seems like it does because those who have better grades end up with the position. I can't really explain what goes on with my head. How I often lose motivation, and how I often lose focus because I'm worried about something else. I can't really explain that. There's no option for that when I'm applying, because it's not severe. Although my resume could say I'm not doing enough, I can't add that my grades are like this because of that. It's just not in the nature of a formal resume. You can't add a personal problem. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I've made the wrong choice. I feel like maybe I've chose the wrong career path. It's like it's not right for me, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm almost done. I'm almost getting my degree. So, why should I give up? I shouldn't. I put way too much pressure on myself and as a result, it gets worse for me. Maybe I should just stop thinking, but it's hard for me, because I'm constantly worrying. I have to remind myself that if I stop worrying so much and do what I did last semester, the outcome would be so much better for me. I just have to be strong about it.

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I'm an Adult?

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So, I'm considered an adult. What is the real definition of an adult? I don't feel like an adult. What makes me an adult? I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out life itself. I can't even get my life together, but if I did, I wouldn't be human. After weeks of relaxing after a whole year of being a student and taking classes, I finally got to relax. I have to admit, it felt weird when I was finally free from work. I then got used to being able to be carefree a bit. I then woke up to reality and I realized that I needed to find a job and internships to earn experience and some money while I finish my last year as an undergraduate. It's crazy how I'm almost done with school. I began my job and internship search this week and I also created a new cover letter. I just hope I'm good enough. To be honest, everything scares me and I just think of the worst for myself and of myself. I always feel pressured because I have the mind of a perfectionist. It actually sucks having that mind set sometimes, but hey, that's just who I am. I am now in my twenties and I would like to do a million things, but I'm afraid that I won't get to anytime soon. There are people my age who are fortunate enough to do those things that they've dreamt of now. I'm just waiting for my time to do those things. My mom has always told me to not think too much far ahead in life, because I am creating scenarios and I might end up disappointed in the end, which has happened before. I just need to find a way to only think of the present, be aware of the present, and keep my expectations leveled. The only way that I can do that is distract myself, like how I did during the recent spring semester. I actually surprised myself and was beyond happy. I'm usually... just content. As a reminder to myself, I should distract myself with only things happening in front of me, don't expect too much, and think positively, even when everything goes wrong or it's just not my day. I'm not a kid, but not an adult. I'm going to have times where it's okay to be a kid, and times where I have to be an adult, or the society's definition of an adult.

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I'm Terrible At This.

I've created this blog to share my life with the internet world. Of course I would not share every little detail in my life, but that was the purpose. It's basically a public journal. I did not have a theme like fashion, food, or beauty when I started this blog. I wasn't sure if people would read it or follow my blog. I'm not really good at promoting myself, because I'm not looking for "fame." This is mostly lifestyle, and there are better looking blogs out there. I've tried my best to be consistent with posting, even if it's a small, short post. I've been caught up with real world situations that I have forgotten about blogging for a while. There have been certain times where I did not know what to post. I wasn't doing anything creative. I didn't have anything exciting to share. I could've done hauls and stuff, the typical girl blogger things. I did not feel like blogging any of that. I guess I'm growing out of that. So, maybe I'll start blogging my thoughts and major events in my life. I want to try my best to be consistent, but I have reached the point in my life where I can't do this full time. I will be terrible at posting things, but that's okay. I'm getting close to entering the real world, and I want to focus on that now. I wish I can be called a "blogger," but I obviously can't. I don't think I would label myself that. So, I'll be here from time to time, but not all the time.

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