Moving Forward.

I'm not really sure if people read my blog posts, but here's another. I like to think that this is like a live journal minus all the private, personal things. We can all agree that 2020 has been a shitty year to live through, but not all of 2020 sucked. It was full of lessons and I can say I've survived, mentally and emotionally. And I'm here to talk about them.

Even before the US reported its first Covid-19 case, the year definitely started off crappy. If you read my blog post from the beginning of this year, I've gotten my heartbroken, which didn't make sense to me because it was short-lived. I found myself very depressed and I didn't understand why the guy I dated did what he did. I ended up just losing myself and being so hung up on someone who completely played me (who by the way liked me first). In my time of needing someone by my side, I was let down by people who I thought were supposed to be there for me. Turns out, all they did was disappoint me. This year showed me their true colors. Everyone heals differently and everyone heals in different paces. These people, unfortunately, didn't understand that. Yes, they did cared at one point but they added onto my mental and emotional struggles. They were giving me unsolicited advice and were somewhat judgmental with everything I did. They were slightly manipulative in how they wanted me to feel by bring up flaws and trauma. The only thing humans have control of is their own emotions and thoughts. Humans cannot control another being's feelings unless they were to use manipulation. As you may know, I am very open about my mental disorders but trying to explain that my mental disorders make it difficult to get through some situations was getting repetitive and tiring. It was hard to get through their thick skulls. Anxiety disorder shouldn't be looked at as only being stressed and thought to be as an ordinary common thing. Being told "everyone has anxiety" is a stigma that should be broken. Yes, everyone gets anxiety, but not everyone has anxiety disorder. Depression, anxiety's partner in crime, shouldn't be looked at as just being sad. My depression is like being at war with myself and feeling hopeless and like I have no purpose in life. I was told by one of these people that I will never be happy, and that was one of the most ignorant things a person can say to someone struggling everyday in their life trying to fulfill that emptiness in their soul. I've also been told this year "go to talk to a therapist" in the most condescending way, which made me feel angry and hurt because I started  to believe that there was something wrong with me and no one wanted to listen, but that was what my anxiety told me. Nothing is wrong with me at all. I've realized that these people who I used to trust gave up on me. I needed someone to just talk to and validate how I'm feeling. Communication is always key, but communication was the issue. We often disguise out thoughts as our feelings, which is a common flaw in everyone. An example would be that someone can say that the feel like they can't reach out to you or talk to you because they feel like they will add onto your issues. Are those really feelings or just thoughts? If you are thinking that they are thoughts, you are correct. That is not your emotions telling you that, but rather it is your thoughts. With these broken/toxic friendships, I began to feel hopeless that I did seek professional help. Now, these people may think I got professional help because they "suggested" me to go, but little do they know, they were the issue. It was their unkind words and lack of communication skills that drove me mad up to the point where I did hit rock bottom. Losing these friendships was definitely hurtful because I don't ever lose friends. I can say that it was a blessing though. By losing them, I was able to properly heal, find my confidence, and be able to feel happy with myself. I haven't felt this happy with myself in years. What is actually sad is that these people won't see this. But in the end, I'm only here to prove to myself that I'm stronger than what my intrusive thoughts tell me. I made a lot of personal accomplishments this year without them and I can continue making accomplishments.

I'm Ready.

So let's reflect back to 2016 when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I went to counseling offered at my college and it helped, but it wasn't enough for me. I felt like I was having a hard time coping with things and as much as I opened up to a professional, it felt like I couldn't be helped. I felt that I needed something more, and that was taking medication. And as a lot of people may know, I'm a huge supporter of mental health awareness just because not a lot of people understand it. Not a lot of people know that I take medication as a method to help me. It's definitely something I try to avoid talking about because of the stigma that something is actually really wrong with you if you take prescription medication. Growing up in a household where mental health illnesses are fictional concepts, it was hard to get my parents to accept me needing the medication. I'm constantly told "everyone goes through it and you'll get by it," but I wasn't going through the same things as people who produce enough serotonin in their brains. I felt that I didn't belong, that I was alone every damn day and I felt like no one understood that. Every problem that I encounter would run through my head for what feels like forever, and it was exhausting. I would have sleeping problems because of it. I would lash out at my parents for small things. I wouldn't eat properly. I couldn't remember things as quickly as I used to. I was a mess inside my head. 

When I started to take medication and felt it working, it was such a great feeling. I was finally feeling normal. And once when I thought I was in a good place, I thought I could get off the medication. I thought wrong. My psychiatrist lowered my dosage, but I relapsed and I had to go back to the higher dosage. For a while, as in the 4 years I've been taking it, I just kept the same dosage prescribed to me. Then one day, towards the end of last year, I felt that I was really in a good spot to lower the dosage and be off soon because I was really doing well mentally during good and bad days. However, that didn't go as planned. I was able to get a lower dosage, but wasn't ready to be off of it. Once the new year came, everything went downhill for me. I got my heart broken and was depressed for the longest time. Then I was fighting an uphill battle between people who weren't supporting me. I've hit rock bottom at that point, but I was able to find things to distract me from all of it. I even went back to talking to a counselor. I became strong enough to move on. I've let go of the things that were hurting me and I am finding techniques that work for me. I also have people in my life who are truly there for me, and I'm thankful every single day for them. Before my last session with my psychiatrist, I knew that I was ready to get off the medication. I am now taking back control of my own life. In my recent session, I was given the okay to finally stop the medication, but slowly of course. I'm ready to continue this journey for a better me. So to the people who have destroyed me, mentally and emotionally: screw you. You are done.

To You

It has been almost two years since I've last wrote here, but something brought me back. Feeling used is not a pleasant thing, especially when you start to fall for someone. And that's what happened to me. This is the closure I will never get. This is my letter to you.

I was led on to think I was that special person, the only one, the right one. I put my energy to making things work after you told me that it will. Most guys will contribute to my trust issues. I was made to believe that you were different. You are not. You are, in fact, worse. I know what we had didn't go as far, but you made me believe that it would. Since the first night I met you, I had my guard up. I didn't want to become attached, and that is why I did not open up to you. I needed to know that I can trust you. We were still new and I didn't want to scare you away if I were to open up about everything. I didn't want you to leave. I enjoyed our moments. I loved our intimate moments. I just don't understand what went wrong. I just don't know how you moved on so quickly. I clearly can't. My heart kept sinking every time you posted something with the person you left me for. I wondered why you kept me around though. Why didn't you let me go? Why did you let me constantly reach out to you? Why couldn't you communicate with me? You obviously made your choice. I just want to know what made you leave. We were supposed to go on another date, do you remember that? That's where it all began, when you began avoiding me. I woke up that morning feeling extremely happy. I put on makeup, a nice outfit, and made sure I got out of work early. All that time was wasted. You were the first guy I ever deeply made eye contact with. You didn't get a chance to know that eye contact is something that makes me uncomfortable, but you made me feel comfortable. You made realty go away. I just want you to know that I'm not in love with you, but I loved what we shared. A part of me is thankful that what we had went as far as it could, because I would've fallen in love and you would still hurt me along the way. I can tell you that I do feel damaged, way more damaged than the other times a guy hurts me. Did you know that you were going to hurt me? Did you actually care for me? Obviously not enough, right? You would constantly try to pick my brain, wanting to know what I'm thinking about. Was that all an act to show that you cared? I'm still confused. I'm confused on how you made all these future plans with me. I'm confused on how you would ask me to stay the night. What was all of that? I wish you would tell me. I just wish I can get an answer. All I know is that, you are not right for me. You are an example of what I don't need and what I don't want. I need to let you go. I will let you go.

Journey to Finding Happiness.

Those who know me well, and those who actually follow what I post on this blog know that I have general anxiety and persistent depression. For a while, I've been through very high ups and very high downs. Mostly very high downs. It's something I wish I can fully control, but it's a work in progress. I have never actually publicly mentioned this, but about a year ago, I chose the option to be on medication since I wasn't finding anything helping me. My anxiety is an ongoing thing, while my depression comes and goes. I've done everything I can to make me feel good about myself and life in general, but nothing helped. My anxiety gotten worse where I would have panic attacks, and my depression causing me to constantly be tearful and unmotivated. Then I sought help elsewhere from counseling. I went to see a psychiatrist for treatment. I was prescribed an antidepressant and it definitely helped. Of course it only helps during a certain amount of hours during the day. Even when I was on the antidepressant, the anxiety and depression lingered. Through treatment, I was finding myself learning techniques lessening the anxiety, but not much the depression because I wasn't depressed all the time. I was gaining back my appetite after being on the antidepressant for a while. I used to eat very little without the antidepressant due to my high anxiety levels. I found myself eating more due to the medication, but also feeling empty/depressed from time to time. So, the medication had caused me to gain weight making me feel worse about myself.
At one point, I thought that I could be feeling empty because I was lonely all the time or felt lonely all the time. Of course I had my friends and family who I love dearly, but for some reason that wasn't enough. I was desperate in finding a significant other. I thought maybe if I strongly liked someone who strongly liked me also, then I would feel happy. That theory was only temporary. I ended up trying different dating apps and talking to strangers, but it usually would not work out well. So, then I deleted them all.
One day when I had my annual physical check-up, my doctor had found some changes that I was becoming unhealthy. I gained a lot of weight, my blood test showed some changes that I was borderline unhealthy. I came to the realization that I was a mess. I let myself go. I wasn't taking care of myself and my body. I had the mentality that I did't have to worry about anything, because I'm still young. I was wrong. I let my mental health take over who I am. With that scare, I forced myself to get back into the routine of eating healthier and exercising more.
At the moment, I am focusing more on myself. I am trying to worry less about finding my significant other. I've been going on morning runs and exercising every day, which makes me motivated in doing and trying different things, like being a social butterfly and getting work done quickly. My runs make me feel so much better. I feel less stressed, less anxious, less depressed. I feel happier. I am moving towards dealing with my mental health without the help of medication, which was always a goal. I am finally going through a positive path. Let's just hope it will last.

Emptiness.

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I wish I was able to not fake my happiness most days. It really sucks to constantly feel this emptiness in your gut. I know that there are a bunch of techniques to trick the mind into thinking you are totally okay, but it also takes a lot of energy. I am always tired and not always up for working my brain unless I have to. I mean, fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression, which is something I deal with everyday. I know that my anxiety is the primary reason to my depression. Me worrying leads to me becoming depressed. Recently, I haven't been so depressed that I forget to eat, or I'm feeling tearful. I just feel like there's something I'm missing in my life and I can't pinpoint it. I'm happy with all the people that I have in my life. I'm happy with the things I have. I just don't know what's making me feel unhappy. Again, it could be me just worrying that's making feel this way. It sucks when there's a chemical imbalance in my brain when I try my best to live my life to the fullest. Though, I am now starting to get out my own comfort zone, and that's a good thing. I'm slowly getting there in terms of handling my anxiety well, but it's not something I can get rid of. I always find myself alone, even though I'm not. I can tell you that there is not a time where I have not thought about my existence. It is definitely one of the many things that run through my mind all the time. I sometimes feel like my heart is actually empty. Like, there's a hole in my chest. This empty feeling keeps me from doing most of the things I enjoy. It keeps me unmotivated to do anything, responsibilities or not. I wish I can actually explain exactly how I feel, but I don't know how and what it would be compared to. It's not like a someone emotionally hurt me, or ripped my heart from my chest kind of thing, because that didn't happen at all. I just feel like I'm letting myself rot slowly in misery.

Lost.

Hi Internet, it has been way too long and it feels weird to be typing up what's going on with my life and my mind lately. I mean, I barely use Twitter anymore. Most likely because I've been distracted with other things. I am at the middle of the semester of graduate school and I'm beginning to fall apart, as in I'm struggling. It's making me think that I've chosen the wrong path and I shouldn't be doing what I set my mind up for. Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I supposed to pursue something else in life? The answer is I don't know. There are factors to why I'm struggling, and it has been keeping up with being involved in school as well as trying to work. Just recently, I made the decision to resign from the job that I was working in, because I couldn't handle it anymore. There's still time left to save myself, but not as much time that I would like. I sometimes find myself going back into that dark place that I was in before, and that scares me. I don't want to have self-doubt. I don't want to give up. I have this dream, and I want to achieve it, but what's stopping me is the mishaps and such. I'm actually doing terrible, and part of my brain is telling me "that's it, you're not fit for this." Then, theres the rest of my brain that makes me worry a lot. I just keep seeing people getting "lucky" and then there's me. My mom believes that everyone has a certain timeline to their lives once they are born and if they're lucky in that moment, then they were meant to be. It's definitely something that makes a person think long and hard about. Things do happen for a reason. Some don't believe in that, but I some how do. It's like when you have positive thoughts, positive things tend to happen. Of course that seems like just a coincidence, but it could be true. The universe has a weird way of showing us things, spiritually or not. I guess I have to take that mindset and give it a shot. It has worked once before, maybe it'll work again when I really need it. It's just a matter of patience.

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Inhale, Exhale.

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It has been so long since I've last posted something. Probably, because I have been going to therapy and I've felt happier. Lately, my moods have gone down and I don't know why. I'm back to feeling negative vibes from people and I just don't know what to do. I suddenly feel very left out. I just started working at an internship right after I graduated as an undergrad (I still can't believe it), and I thought I would like it, but turns out I don't. I'm definitely not getting the experience that I want. And the environment just makes triggers both my anxiety and depression. It sucks. With this internship, I feel like I'm back in school rather than actually working. I'm given assignments and I have to format things. That's not what I want to do. I also don't get to shadow a professional, because everything is self-taught. I guess it's whatever with the school assignment aspect of the internship because I'm going to grad school, but I still want actual work experience. I'm constantly teared down by everything and a handful of people. I thought my panic attacks would lessen, but I've had more at this internship than during the semester. I've told people about my mental health to make them aware about what I go through and things that may happen to me. Though, I didn't think that so many people would be so insensitive. I am never feeling myself when I enter the office. I feel congested with judgment. It's hard for me to let go of things in the first place, so I will continuously think of the worst things possible. I'm just done with everything. It's my last week, and I plan to move forward to find something that I will be happy with. I will find the experience that I want and need to reach my goal. I just need to breathe in and breathe out slowly throughout the rest of the week.

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Is Anyone Available?

Here I am again, crying. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. The only explanation is my depression. First, I have anxiety about my exams. Now, I'm having second thoughts about something I really wanted to do and I was really excited about. I'm not sure what's going on. There are a million things running through my head right now and I can't help but cry. It could be the feeling of isolation. The feeling that I'm being forgotten. The feeling that I am no longer someone. Who am I? I don't need anyone, right? Wrong. I need someone to be there for me, to comfort me when I'm feeling like this, and lately there has only been one person, when I used to have more around me. Am I being pushed away? I don't know, but it feels that way. It's like I'm losing people in my life one at a time. I'm starting to think about my existence. Why am I here? What's the point of me trying to save myself? What's the point of trying my hardest to get a hold of someone I need to be there for me? I'm just invisible, and I have been my whole life, but why am I still here? I don't think anyone would notice if I just disappear besides my family.

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Feeling Isolated.

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I should continue studying right now, but I'll just take a break to post something on here. The reason why I started this blog was to share bits of my life, but there has been nothing to post lately. I've grown out of sharing the cliche things that are usually seen on a young adult's blog. The only thing that I can and want to post is my thoughts that are some what okay to share with the internet world. So here it goes...

Lately, I've been feeling isolated and out of place. Like I'm stuck in a bubble, screaming, but no one can hear me. I might be really good at hiding my emotions, because it seems like everyone thinks that I'm okay. I'm really not. I don't want to try and cause attention towards myself, but it would be nice to know that there are people who can figure it out. It seems like the only people who understand what goes on are those who can relate to me, or just the ones who listen to me carefully. I sometimes feel forgotten about, and it sucks. Would anyone notice if I just disappear for a few days? Maybe. I'm not quite sure anymore. There are people who I can talk to, but I'm scared of how they would react. So, sharing things scare me. Some don't listen carefully or understand what I'm trying to say. I know that they have their own problems, and I wouldn't want to dump my issues on them. I just don't know who is there for me anymore.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm drained from everything.

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I've Learned Something.

On October 20, 2016 between the hours of 11:00am to 12:00pm, I had my first official session at the Counseling Center at my school. I poured out my feelings, and I talked about myself and my problems. It was hard for me, but the Psychologist that I spoke with made me feel like I can trust her and it was okay. I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn't. It felt good to just cry and not feel embarrassed. She eased into the questions that she had to ask, and it made it easy for me to answer. Eventually, we got to the main purpose of my session... I have persistent depression and I also have anxiety. It feels nice to know what I was concerned about myself was actually true. I obviously couldn't diagnose myself, so hearing it from a professional made everything clear. I'm going to be honest, I was hesitant in making an appointment and seeing someone about it. I wasn't sure if it would help me, in fact, I think I was just scared to open up. During my session, I would bring up some actions, like fidgeting and blanking out or losing focus, and it's due to the anxiety and depression taking over. I didn't know that. I just thought it was a bad habit. I do have a mild case of depression and it will come and go, but it will always linger somewhere. Now, I know that everything that I'm feeling and every action could come from either one of those things, or even both.

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I'm an Adult?

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So, I'm considered an adult. What is the real definition of an adult? I don't feel like an adult. What makes me an adult? I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out life itself. I can't even get my life together, but if I did, I wouldn't be human. After weeks of relaxing after a whole year of being a student and taking classes, I finally got to relax. I have to admit, it felt weird when I was finally free from work. I then got used to being able to be carefree a bit. I then woke up to reality and I realized that I needed to find a job and internships to earn experience and some money while I finish my last year as an undergraduate. It's crazy how I'm almost done with school. I began my job and internship search this week and I also created a new cover letter. I just hope I'm good enough. To be honest, everything scares me and I just think of the worst for myself and of myself. I always feel pressured because I have the mind of a perfectionist. It actually sucks having that mind set sometimes, but hey, that's just who I am. I am now in my twenties and I would like to do a million things, but I'm afraid that I won't get to anytime soon. There are people my age who are fortunate enough to do those things that they've dreamt of now. I'm just waiting for my time to do those things. My mom has always told me to not think too much far ahead in life, because I am creating scenarios and I might end up disappointed in the end, which has happened before. I just need to find a way to only think of the present, be aware of the present, and keep my expectations leveled. The only way that I can do that is distract myself, like how I did during the recent spring semester. I actually surprised myself and was beyond happy. I'm usually... just content. As a reminder to myself, I should distract myself with only things happening in front of me, don't expect too much, and think positively, even when everything goes wrong or it's just not my day. I'm not a kid, but not an adult. I'm going to have times where it's okay to be a kid, and times where I have to be an adult, or the society's definition of an adult.

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I'm Terrible At This.

I've created this blog to share my life with the internet world. Of course I would not share every little detail in my life, but that was the purpose. It's basically a public journal. I did not have a theme like fashion, food, or beauty when I started this blog. I wasn't sure if people would read it or follow my blog. I'm not really good at promoting myself, because I'm not looking for "fame." This is mostly lifestyle, and there are better looking blogs out there. I've tried my best to be consistent with posting, even if it's a small, short post. I've been caught up with real world situations that I have forgotten about blogging for a while. There have been certain times where I did not know what to post. I wasn't doing anything creative. I didn't have anything exciting to share. I could've done hauls and stuff, the typical girl blogger things. I did not feel like blogging any of that. I guess I'm growing out of that. So, maybe I'll start blogging my thoughts and major events in my life. I want to try my best to be consistent, but I have reached the point in my life where I can't do this full time. I will be terrible at posting things, but that's okay. I'm getting close to entering the real world, and I want to focus on that now. I wish I can be called a "blogger," but I obviously can't. I don't think I would label myself that. So, I'll be here from time to time, but not all the time.

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Quarter Life Crisis.

Hi, I was going through a crisis about 2 weeks ago and I think I'm going to be okay. Well, there's still one big factor that I have to deal with, but I've figured out something. 2 weeks ago, I found myself contemplating on life and what I should succeed in life. I wanted to back down from what I am currently doing and pursue in something much different. I was asking myself: Should I even do this? What if I can't handle it? Is it too late? I wasn't sure about my life and career path anymore. Here's a video of me explaining my crisis:

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Flustered.

My mind has been all over the place that I can't seem to remember that this blog exists. I've been writing in my journal, which I have invested for venting out my emotions and feelings, when I find the time to. It keeps me sane and together, which I honestly would've never thought it would, but it does when no one has the time to listen. I know that this may seem like it would be a good idea for me to go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist to see what's going on in my head, but I don't think I have the need to since it comes and goes. For a time, I thought that I would need it, but a friend made me see a different side to how I was feeling. Everything leads down to school, of course. Now that the semester is over, my anxiety continues to take over. I'm actually trying really hard to think positive. After all, positive thoughts bring better outcomes. Just the other day, I ended up crying out of nowhere, because I was just worried. I even almost cried at a family friend's party. Both of my parents try to make me feel better by keeping their minds positive and believing in me, which keeps me a little calm. It's definitely hard. I had a bad dream about receiving a grade in one class that I woke up in panic. It could be from worrying way too much about it. It hasn't been the best semester and I wish it was a good semester. I just have to believe in myself as much as my parents believe in me. My insecurities and paranoia may get in the way though. I just have to try to block it. I was just thinking that, this year isn't really my year. 2015 did not go as well as I thought it would go from the beginning. So, let's just hope 2016 and the next semester will go very well and the key is to believe... OH MY GOSH. I've just realized that this was a sign from when I did an escape room with my friends. One of the clues was spelling out "believe." Mind blown! I'm actually really tired right now and probably delirious since it's 2 something in the morning and I have to be up in about a little less than 6 hours. There has been many signs appearing in front of me lately, and I am going to take my chances and follow them, because that may lead me to where I want to be. Wow, I am getting deep. Anyway, until the next time I remember or have something to blog about, type you later. Hopefully, I will get my life together soon.

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Days Away.

Hey there, the semester is almost over and I am closer to being a little less stressed. It's been a while since I last post something, so here I am. I'd like to start off by saying that this semester went by very fast and I'm glad that it did. It brings me closer to my future and career path. The only thing that I need to do to get through the remaining days is thinking positive and working hard. I get a few days off after exams, but then I have summer courses to take. The thing that's good about these summer courses is that I don't have to be physically in class for them. That's right, I'm taking online classes. I've heard mixed things about online classes, but I rather have time for other activites in the summer, especially in the summer. My plan is to finish as much as I can, in terms of courses, so that I can relax and be a regular young adult. Lazy and enjoying life. Just kidding. I would still need things to keep me occupied. But getting to relax is probably the best thing ever. I mean, I do relax from time to time, but I would like a longer time frame for that. As cliché as this sounds, hard work pays off and I believe that. Patience is the key to all of this, and I admit that I'm not the most patient person, but I have to let that sink in. I like to let things happen on its own. I know that certain thing happen by force, but I don't want to mess with the ways of life. Wow. This post is getting technical with beliefs. Anyway, I'm just days away from having a life outside of being a full time student and I'm counting down.

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Thinking... Just Thinking.

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Hello! I've been thinking a lot lately. Just thinking about my future. Yeah, I know. I'm still young and I have a lot of things ahead of me, but I just want to be ready when I get to a specific point in my life. For one thing, school and a career. For the past two days, all I have been doing on the internet was searching up more information about my career path. Also, I've been thinking of what I should do after graduating as an undergraduate. There are a bunch of things to look for. Of course I want to go beyond what my career offers, but yet I want to take a small break before heading into graduate school. For a while, I've always wanted to move out of the east coast and live in the west coast. I've experienced living in the suburbs and living in the city, but I got tired of the suburban area that I lived in and I'm just tired of the rush of living in New York City. Although I am born and raised in New York City, I feel like I don't really belong. I am way too calm for this city. I want to live a chill lifestyle. From my assumption, I feel like California offers that. I want to live in the Los Angeles city area and see what it's like. It's a city and it seems calm at the same time, if that made any sense at all. I still want to be in a city, but live in a more relaxed environment. Maybe someday I'll move there, but I have to make a visit first and see what it's like knowing that I've never been there before. For now, I should just think about my present and worry about my future later. I still have some time left to think about this. So, I'm just going to continue with my life as it is.

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