Moving Forward.

I'm not really sure if people read my blog posts, but here's another. I like to think that this is like a live journal minus all the private, personal things. We can all agree that 2020 has been a shitty year to live through, but not all of 2020 sucked. It was full of lessons and I can say I've survived, mentally and emotionally. And I'm here to talk about them.

Even before the US reported its first Covid-19 case, the year definitely started off crappy. If you read my blog post from the beginning of this year, I've gotten my heartbroken, which didn't make sense to me because it was short-lived. I found myself very depressed and I didn't understand why the guy I dated did what he did. I ended up just losing myself and being so hung up on someone who completely played me (who by the way liked me first). In my time of needing someone by my side, I was let down by people who I thought were supposed to be there for me. Turns out, all they did was disappoint me. This year showed me their true colors. Everyone heals differently and everyone heals in different paces. These people, unfortunately, didn't understand that. Yes, they did cared at one point but they added onto my mental and emotional struggles. They were giving me unsolicited advice and were somewhat judgmental with everything I did. They were slightly manipulative in how they wanted me to feel by bring up flaws and trauma. The only thing humans have control of is their own emotions and thoughts. Humans cannot control another being's feelings unless they were to use manipulation. As you may know, I am very open about my mental disorders but trying to explain that my mental disorders make it difficult to get through some situations was getting repetitive and tiring. It was hard to get through their thick skulls. Anxiety disorder shouldn't be looked at as only being stressed and thought to be as an ordinary common thing. Being told "everyone has anxiety" is a stigma that should be broken. Yes, everyone gets anxiety, but not everyone has anxiety disorder. Depression, anxiety's partner in crime, shouldn't be looked at as just being sad. My depression is like being at war with myself and feeling hopeless and like I have no purpose in life. I was told by one of these people that I will never be happy, and that was one of the most ignorant things a person can say to someone struggling everyday in their life trying to fulfill that emptiness in their soul. I've also been told this year "go to talk to a therapist" in the most condescending way, which made me feel angry and hurt because I started  to believe that there was something wrong with me and no one wanted to listen, but that was what my anxiety told me. Nothing is wrong with me at all. I've realized that these people who I used to trust gave up on me. I needed someone to just talk to and validate how I'm feeling. Communication is always key, but communication was the issue. We often disguise out thoughts as our feelings, which is a common flaw in everyone. An example would be that someone can say that the feel like they can't reach out to you or talk to you because they feel like they will add onto your issues. Are those really feelings or just thoughts? If you are thinking that they are thoughts, you are correct. That is not your emotions telling you that, but rather it is your thoughts. With these broken/toxic friendships, I began to feel hopeless that I did seek professional help. Now, these people may think I got professional help because they "suggested" me to go, but little do they know, they were the issue. It was their unkind words and lack of communication skills that drove me mad up to the point where I did hit rock bottom. Losing these friendships was definitely hurtful because I don't ever lose friends. I can say that it was a blessing though. By losing them, I was able to properly heal, find my confidence, and be able to feel happy with myself. I haven't felt this happy with myself in years. What is actually sad is that these people won't see this. But in the end, I'm only here to prove to myself that I'm stronger than what my intrusive thoughts tell me. I made a lot of personal accomplishments this year without them and I can continue making accomplishments.

I'm Ready.

So let's reflect back to 2016 when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I went to counseling offered at my college and it helped, but it wasn't enough for me. I felt like I was having a hard time coping with things and as much as I opened up to a professional, it felt like I couldn't be helped. I felt that I needed something more, and that was taking medication. And as a lot of people may know, I'm a huge supporter of mental health awareness just because not a lot of people understand it. Not a lot of people know that I take medication as a method to help me. It's definitely something I try to avoid talking about because of the stigma that something is actually really wrong with you if you take prescription medication. Growing up in a household where mental health illnesses are fictional concepts, it was hard to get my parents to accept me needing the medication. I'm constantly told "everyone goes through it and you'll get by it," but I wasn't going through the same things as people who produce enough serotonin in their brains. I felt that I didn't belong, that I was alone every damn day and I felt like no one understood that. Every problem that I encounter would run through my head for what feels like forever, and it was exhausting. I would have sleeping problems because of it. I would lash out at my parents for small things. I wouldn't eat properly. I couldn't remember things as quickly as I used to. I was a mess inside my head. 

When I started to take medication and felt it working, it was such a great feeling. I was finally feeling normal. And once when I thought I was in a good place, I thought I could get off the medication. I thought wrong. My psychiatrist lowered my dosage, but I relapsed and I had to go back to the higher dosage. For a while, as in the 4 years I've been taking it, I just kept the same dosage prescribed to me. Then one day, towards the end of last year, I felt that I was really in a good spot to lower the dosage and be off soon because I was really doing well mentally during good and bad days. However, that didn't go as planned. I was able to get a lower dosage, but wasn't ready to be off of it. Once the new year came, everything went downhill for me. I got my heart broken and was depressed for the longest time. Then I was fighting an uphill battle between people who weren't supporting me. I've hit rock bottom at that point, but I was able to find things to distract me from all of it. I even went back to talking to a counselor. I became strong enough to move on. I've let go of the things that were hurting me and I am finding techniques that work for me. I also have people in my life who are truly there for me, and I'm thankful every single day for them. Before my last session with my psychiatrist, I knew that I was ready to get off the medication. I am now taking back control of my own life. In my recent session, I was given the okay to finally stop the medication, but slowly of course. I'm ready to continue this journey for a better me. So to the people who have destroyed me, mentally and emotionally: screw you. You are done.

Forgotten.

Sometimes, I feel forgotten. Sometimes, I feel like my existence is not acknowledged. I sometimes feel invisible. I feel lonely. I feel empty. Just picture a human heart made up of a bunch of puzzle pieces, but there's a missing piece somewhere. That is how I physically feel, like my heart is missing something that makes me feel this way. I try my best to find happiness. I try my best to be happy. Yeah, of course it's the depression. What else would it be? I just don't understand why it makes me feel like I'm all alone, even when I'm surrounded by so many people. I sometimes feel like some important people in my life just don't want anything to do with me anymore. They're pushing me away. Finding excuses to get rid of me. It angers me, but it also saddens me. It makes me view life as a disappointment. I am always forced to face the negatives and be blinded enough to not face the positives. I do not feel like I should be around if I feel forgotten, but I have a path in front of me that I need to follow. I constantly feel miserable. I constantly feel unhappy. I just want my happy ending. Everything I do leads to a temporary happiness, and it sucks.

Journey to Finding Happiness.

Those who know me well, and those who actually follow what I post on this blog know that I have general anxiety and persistent depression. For a while, I've been through very high ups and very high downs. Mostly very high downs. It's something I wish I can fully control, but it's a work in progress. I have never actually publicly mentioned this, but about a year ago, I chose the option to be on medication since I wasn't finding anything helping me. My anxiety is an ongoing thing, while my depression comes and goes. I've done everything I can to make me feel good about myself and life in general, but nothing helped. My anxiety gotten worse where I would have panic attacks, and my depression causing me to constantly be tearful and unmotivated. Then I sought help elsewhere from counseling. I went to see a psychiatrist for treatment. I was prescribed an antidepressant and it definitely helped. Of course it only helps during a certain amount of hours during the day. Even when I was on the antidepressant, the anxiety and depression lingered. Through treatment, I was finding myself learning techniques lessening the anxiety, but not much the depression because I wasn't depressed all the time. I was gaining back my appetite after being on the antidepressant for a while. I used to eat very little without the antidepressant due to my high anxiety levels. I found myself eating more due to the medication, but also feeling empty/depressed from time to time. So, the medication had caused me to gain weight making me feel worse about myself.
At one point, I thought that I could be feeling empty because I was lonely all the time or felt lonely all the time. Of course I had my friends and family who I love dearly, but for some reason that wasn't enough. I was desperate in finding a significant other. I thought maybe if I strongly liked someone who strongly liked me also, then I would feel happy. That theory was only temporary. I ended up trying different dating apps and talking to strangers, but it usually would not work out well. So, then I deleted them all.
One day when I had my annual physical check-up, my doctor had found some changes that I was becoming unhealthy. I gained a lot of weight, my blood test showed some changes that I was borderline unhealthy. I came to the realization that I was a mess. I let myself go. I wasn't taking care of myself and my body. I had the mentality that I did't have to worry about anything, because I'm still young. I was wrong. I let my mental health take over who I am. With that scare, I forced myself to get back into the routine of eating healthier and exercising more.
At the moment, I am focusing more on myself. I am trying to worry less about finding my significant other. I've been going on morning runs and exercising every day, which makes me motivated in doing and trying different things, like being a social butterfly and getting work done quickly. My runs make me feel so much better. I feel less stressed, less anxious, less depressed. I feel happier. I am moving towards dealing with my mental health without the help of medication, which was always a goal. I am finally going through a positive path. Let's just hope it will last.

Emptiness.

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I wish I was able to not fake my happiness most days. It really sucks to constantly feel this emptiness in your gut. I know that there are a bunch of techniques to trick the mind into thinking you are totally okay, but it also takes a lot of energy. I am always tired and not always up for working my brain unless I have to. I mean, fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression, which is something I deal with everyday. I know that my anxiety is the primary reason to my depression. Me worrying leads to me becoming depressed. Recently, I haven't been so depressed that I forget to eat, or I'm feeling tearful. I just feel like there's something I'm missing in my life and I can't pinpoint it. I'm happy with all the people that I have in my life. I'm happy with the things I have. I just don't know what's making me feel unhappy. Again, it could be me just worrying that's making feel this way. It sucks when there's a chemical imbalance in my brain when I try my best to live my life to the fullest. Though, I am now starting to get out my own comfort zone, and that's a good thing. I'm slowly getting there in terms of handling my anxiety well, but it's not something I can get rid of. I always find myself alone, even though I'm not. I can tell you that there is not a time where I have not thought about my existence. It is definitely one of the many things that run through my mind all the time. I sometimes feel like my heart is actually empty. Like, there's a hole in my chest. This empty feeling keeps me from doing most of the things I enjoy. It keeps me unmotivated to do anything, responsibilities or not. I wish I can actually explain exactly how I feel, but I don't know how and what it would be compared to. It's not like a someone emotionally hurt me, or ripped my heart from my chest kind of thing, because that didn't happen at all. I just feel like I'm letting myself rot slowly in misery.

Lost.

Hi Internet, it has been way too long and it feels weird to be typing up what's going on with my life and my mind lately. I mean, I barely use Twitter anymore. Most likely because I've been distracted with other things. I am at the middle of the semester of graduate school and I'm beginning to fall apart, as in I'm struggling. It's making me think that I've chosen the wrong path and I shouldn't be doing what I set my mind up for. Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I supposed to pursue something else in life? The answer is I don't know. There are factors to why I'm struggling, and it has been keeping up with being involved in school as well as trying to work. Just recently, I made the decision to resign from the job that I was working in, because I couldn't handle it anymore. There's still time left to save myself, but not as much time that I would like. I sometimes find myself going back into that dark place that I was in before, and that scares me. I don't want to have self-doubt. I don't want to give up. I have this dream, and I want to achieve it, but what's stopping me is the mishaps and such. I'm actually doing terrible, and part of my brain is telling me "that's it, you're not fit for this." Then, theres the rest of my brain that makes me worry a lot. I just keep seeing people getting "lucky" and then there's me. My mom believes that everyone has a certain timeline to their lives once they are born and if they're lucky in that moment, then they were meant to be. It's definitely something that makes a person think long and hard about. Things do happen for a reason. Some don't believe in that, but I some how do. It's like when you have positive thoughts, positive things tend to happen. Of course that seems like just a coincidence, but it could be true. The universe has a weird way of showing us things, spiritually or not. I guess I have to take that mindset and give it a shot. It has worked once before, maybe it'll work again when I really need it. It's just a matter of patience.

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Inhale, Exhale.

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It has been so long since I've last posted something. Probably, because I have been going to therapy and I've felt happier. Lately, my moods have gone down and I don't know why. I'm back to feeling negative vibes from people and I just don't know what to do. I suddenly feel very left out. I just started working at an internship right after I graduated as an undergrad (I still can't believe it), and I thought I would like it, but turns out I don't. I'm definitely not getting the experience that I want. And the environment just makes triggers both my anxiety and depression. It sucks. With this internship, I feel like I'm back in school rather than actually working. I'm given assignments and I have to format things. That's not what I want to do. I also don't get to shadow a professional, because everything is self-taught. I guess it's whatever with the school assignment aspect of the internship because I'm going to grad school, but I still want actual work experience. I'm constantly teared down by everything and a handful of people. I thought my panic attacks would lessen, but I've had more at this internship than during the semester. I've told people about my mental health to make them aware about what I go through and things that may happen to me. Though, I didn't think that so many people would be so insensitive. I am never feeling myself when I enter the office. I feel congested with judgment. It's hard for me to let go of things in the first place, so I will continuously think of the worst things possible. I'm just done with everything. It's my last week, and I plan to move forward to find something that I will be happy with. I will find the experience that I want and need to reach my goal. I just need to breathe in and breathe out slowly throughout the rest of the week.

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Losing Track.

I feel like my life has not been consistent in a way that my brain does not process things very well, meaning, it takes a little time for me to realize that I need to pay close attention to what I'm doing. My mind often dozes off because I'm either feeling so isolated from everything, or I'm worrying about a million things all at once. I've tried different was to exercise my brain to stay focused and to stay present, but it is only temporary. My mind has been drawing a blank for a long time, but I feel like it has gotten worse. Today, I went to my professor to pick up a copy of an assignment and when she would ask a question, I wasn't able to explain my answer. I was listening to her as she went through the assignment, but it was not sticking to my head. This happens way too often and it terrifies me for the future. I also find myself being way more sensitive than I was before. I get very irritable that I am a pain in the ass. I get very sad that I will burst into tears right way. I get so worried that my heart rate increases and I begin to have anxiety attacks. I can tell you that it sucks. My parents are against the idea about taking medication for any mental health issues. So, I try my best to find alternative ways to help myself, but it doesn't last very long. The more I experience this, the more I feel like I need medication to stabilize everything. I know that it's my choice and I'm an adult, but it doesn't feel right to go against what my parents want for me. They want me to cope with everything naturally, but they don't realize that it's actually worsening. I'm planning on speaking to my mom once more about it and try to speak to my dad (who I am afraid to talk to about more) this weekend before I make my next appointment with my psychologist to refer me to a psychiatrist who can help me in that area. I don't think I can go on with my life any further like this, because everything is starting to terrify me.

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