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Showing posts with label judgment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label judgment. Show all posts

Monday, July 31, 2017

Inhale, Exhale.

Image via Pinterest


It has been so long since I've last posted something. Probably, because I have been going to therapy and I've felt happier. Lately, my moods have gone down and I don't know why. I'm back to feeling negative vibes from people and I just don't know what to do. I suddenly feel very left out. I just started working at an internship right after I graduated as an undergrad (I still can't believe it), and I thought I would like it, but turns out I don't. I'm definitely not getting the experience that I want. And the environment just makes triggers both my anxiety and depression. It sucks. With this internship, I feel like I'm back in school rather than actually working. I'm given assignments and I have to format things. That's not what I want to do. I also don't get to shadow a professional, because everything is self-taught. I guess it's whatever with the school assignment aspect of the internship because I'm going to grad school, but I still want actual work experience. I'm constantly teared down by everything and a handful of people. I thought my panic attacks would lessen, but I've had more at this internship than during the semester. I've told people about my mental health to make them aware about what I go through and things that may happen to me. Though, I didn't think that so many people would be so insensitive. I am never feeling myself when I enter the office. I feel congested with judgment. It's hard for me to let go of things in the first place, so I will continuously think of the worst things possible. I'm just done with everything. It's my last week, and I plan to move forward to find something that I will be happy with. I will find the experience that I want and need to reach my goal. I just need to breathe in and breathe out slowly throughout the rest of the week.





Friday, May 8, 2015

I'm Still Trying to Understand.

Image via WeHeartIt

This is, I guess, another personal post. It's just me expressing my mind. I can save this as a draft and keep it to myself, but this is not dramatic and negative and somewhat offensive. Usually when people are angry and they express their minds, they do get aggressive with words and that's just what human beings do. I admit that I have posted blog posts that are like that and I've come to realization that this is the internet and it may appear unprofessional. So, I've made them private for myself by saving them as drafts and avoid them being published. During those times, I had to vent because if you're like me and you just don't have anyone around you that you feel comfortable to speak about things that bother you, then you would have to write it down or type it out. And here I am again, typing out my feelings and thoughts. The other day, actually just yesterday, I found myself feeling annoyed and out of place. I've already told my mom and best friend about it yesterday because they just help me understand what I deal with. So, there's a colleague that pretty much gives me the cold shoulder for no reason. Like, I just get this vibe from her that she does not like me at all and to be honest, I've been nothing but nice to her. Even from day one when I met her last school year, I was being kind and friendly because why not make a new friend. I've noticed and felt this after a few days of being around her since my friend and I always hang out during a small break after class. My friend and I invited her to join us during our break and so she was usually with us. She would rather talk to that one friend more than me, and so, I just sit there in silence because she does not make any eye contact with me whatsoever, only occasionally. Then when this school year started, I did not have any classes with her during the fall semester and that was fine with me. When the spring semester began, I ended up being in one class with her, but I made and had friends in that class anyway. She still gave me the same vibe. The thing with her is that she is willing to talk to me, but she still doesn't want to talk to me. Yesterday pushed me a little further. Usually for the class, my group of friends and I would check with each other if we have the same answers for the homework and yesterday during the class's review session, she just went around me and asked my other two friends when she could've asked me since I was nearer. It's funny because she didn't ignore me at all on the day of our midterm exam. After the review, we all decided to get lunch together and when she had to leave, she said goodbye to everyone by saying bye and hugging everyone, but completely ignored me. She acted like I wasn't there. Obviously, she doesn't want to be my friend because she does act like snob towards me. I'm okay with that, because I really don't need a person like that in my life and making me feel like I've done something wrong. She is prejudice towards me and that's wrong. I've seen a pattern that she seems to only make friends with those who appear like they party or they're rich. My style is comfortable and edgy and maybe that could be another reason. I understand that I may have different interests than her, but it gives her no reason to be like that. This just makes me not understand people at all. Why are people like this? It's not high school anymore, you can't be seen as the "popular" person in college/university. I have gotten this vibe in high school (the one I moved to during sophomore year) and now I'm getting in college? Seriously? What happened to being mature adults? It's just plain wrong. Poor judgment just makes a person look bad.






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