Those who know me well, and those who actually follow what I post on this blog know that I have general anxiety and persistent depression. For a while, I've been through very high ups and very high downs. Mostly very high downs. It's something I wish I can fully control, but it's a work in progress. I have never actually publicly mentioned this, but about a year ago, I chose the option to be on medication since I wasn't finding anything helping me. My anxiety is an ongoing thing, while my depression comes and goes. I've done everything I can to make me feel good about myself and life in general, but nothing helped. My anxiety gotten worse where I would have panic attacks, and my depression causing me to constantly be tearful and unmotivated. Then I sought help elsewhere from counseling. I went to see a psychiatrist for treatment. I was prescribed an antidepressant and it definitely helped. Of course it only helps during a certain amount of hours during the day. Even when I was on the antidepressant, the anxiety and depression lingered. Through treatment, I was finding myself learning techniques lessening the anxiety, but not much the depression because I wasn't depressed all the time. I was gaining back my appetite after being on the antidepressant for a while. I used to eat very little without the antidepressant due to my high anxiety levels. I found myself eating more due to the medication, but also feeling empty/depressed from time to time. So, the medication had caused me to gain weight making me feel worse about myself.
At one point, I thought that I could be feeling empty because I was lonely all the time or felt lonely all the time. Of course I had my friends and family who I love dearly, but for some reason that wasn't enough. I was desperate in finding a significant other. I thought maybe if I strongly liked someone who strongly liked me also, then I would feel happy. That theory was only temporary. I ended up trying different dating apps and talking to strangers, but it usually would not work out well. So, then I deleted them all.
One day when I had my annual physical check-up, my doctor had found some changes that I was becoming unhealthy. I gained a lot of weight, my blood test showed some changes that I was borderline unhealthy. I came to the realization that I was a mess. I let myself go. I wasn't taking care of myself and my body. I had the mentality that I did't have to worry about anything, because I'm still young. I was wrong. I let my mental health take over who I am. With that scare, I forced myself to get back into the routine of eating healthier and exercising more.
At the moment, I am focusing more on myself. I am trying to worry less about finding my significant other. I've been going on morning runs and exercising every day, which makes me motivated in doing and trying different things, like being a social butterfly and getting work done quickly. My runs make me feel so much better. I feel less stressed, less anxious, less depressed. I feel happier. I am moving towards dealing with my mental health without the help of medication, which was always a goal. I am finally going through a positive path. Let's just hope it will last.
