I'm Ready.

So let's reflect back to 2016 when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I went to counseling offered at my college and it helped, but it wasn't enough for me. I felt like I was having a hard time coping with things and as much as I opened up to a professional, it felt like I couldn't be helped. I felt that I needed something more, and that was taking medication. And as a lot of people may know, I'm a huge supporter of mental health awareness just because not a lot of people understand it. Not a lot of people know that I take medication as a method to help me. It's definitely something I try to avoid talking about because of the stigma that something is actually really wrong with you if you take prescription medication. Growing up in a household where mental health illnesses are fictional concepts, it was hard to get my parents to accept me needing the medication. I'm constantly told "everyone goes through it and you'll get by it," but I wasn't going through the same things as people who produce enough serotonin in their brains. I felt that I didn't belong, that I was alone every damn day and I felt like no one understood that. Every problem that I encounter would run through my head for what feels like forever, and it was exhausting. I would have sleeping problems because of it. I would lash out at my parents for small things. I wouldn't eat properly. I couldn't remember things as quickly as I used to. I was a mess inside my head. 

When I started to take medication and felt it working, it was such a great feeling. I was finally feeling normal. And once when I thought I was in a good place, I thought I could get off the medication. I thought wrong. My psychiatrist lowered my dosage, but I relapsed and I had to go back to the higher dosage. For a while, as in the 4 years I've been taking it, I just kept the same dosage prescribed to me. Then one day, towards the end of last year, I felt that I was really in a good spot to lower the dosage and be off soon because I was really doing well mentally during good and bad days. However, that didn't go as planned. I was able to get a lower dosage, but wasn't ready to be off of it. Once the new year came, everything went downhill for me. I got my heart broken and was depressed for the longest time. Then I was fighting an uphill battle between people who weren't supporting me. I've hit rock bottom at that point, but I was able to find things to distract me from all of it. I even went back to talking to a counselor. I became strong enough to move on. I've let go of the things that were hurting me and I am finding techniques that work for me. I also have people in my life who are truly there for me, and I'm thankful every single day for them. Before my last session with my psychiatrist, I knew that I was ready to get off the medication. I am now taking back control of my own life. In my recent session, I was given the okay to finally stop the medication, but slowly of course. I'm ready to continue this journey for a better me. So to the people who have destroyed me, mentally and emotionally: screw you. You are done.

Feeling Isolated.

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I should continue studying right now, but I'll just take a break to post something on here. The reason why I started this blog was to share bits of my life, but there has been nothing to post lately. I've grown out of sharing the cliche things that are usually seen on a young adult's blog. The only thing that I can and want to post is my thoughts that are some what okay to share with the internet world. So here it goes...

Lately, I've been feeling isolated and out of place. Like I'm stuck in a bubble, screaming, but no one can hear me. I might be really good at hiding my emotions, because it seems like everyone thinks that I'm okay. I'm really not. I don't want to try and cause attention towards myself, but it would be nice to know that there are people who can figure it out. It seems like the only people who understand what goes on are those who can relate to me, or just the ones who listen to me carefully. I sometimes feel forgotten about, and it sucks. Would anyone notice if I just disappear for a few days? Maybe. I'm not quite sure anymore. There are people who I can talk to, but I'm scared of how they would react. So, sharing things scare me. Some don't listen carefully or understand what I'm trying to say. I know that they have their own problems, and I wouldn't want to dump my issues on them. I just don't know who is there for me anymore.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm drained from everything.

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I'm an Adult?

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So, I'm considered an adult. What is the real definition of an adult? I don't feel like an adult. What makes me an adult? I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out life itself. I can't even get my life together, but if I did, I wouldn't be human. After weeks of relaxing after a whole year of being a student and taking classes, I finally got to relax. I have to admit, it felt weird when I was finally free from work. I then got used to being able to be carefree a bit. I then woke up to reality and I realized that I needed to find a job and internships to earn experience and some money while I finish my last year as an undergraduate. It's crazy how I'm almost done with school. I began my job and internship search this week and I also created a new cover letter. I just hope I'm good enough. To be honest, everything scares me and I just think of the worst for myself and of myself. I always feel pressured because I have the mind of a perfectionist. It actually sucks having that mind set sometimes, but hey, that's just who I am. I am now in my twenties and I would like to do a million things, but I'm afraid that I won't get to anytime soon. There are people my age who are fortunate enough to do those things that they've dreamt of now. I'm just waiting for my time to do those things. My mom has always told me to not think too much far ahead in life, because I am creating scenarios and I might end up disappointed in the end, which has happened before. I just need to find a way to only think of the present, be aware of the present, and keep my expectations leveled. The only way that I can do that is distract myself, like how I did during the recent spring semester. I actually surprised myself and was beyond happy. I'm usually... just content. As a reminder to myself, I should distract myself with only things happening in front of me, don't expect too much, and think positively, even when everything goes wrong or it's just not my day. I'm not a kid, but not an adult. I'm going to have times where it's okay to be a kid, and times where I have to be an adult, or the society's definition of an adult.

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I'm Still Trying to Understand.

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This is, I guess, another personal post. It's just me expressing my mind. I can save this as a draft and keep it to myself, but this is not dramatic and negative and somewhat offensive. Usually when people are angry and they express their minds, they do get aggressive with words and that's just what human beings do. I admit that I have posted blog posts that are like that and I've come to realization that this is the internet and it may appear unprofessional. So, I've made them private for myself by saving them as drafts and avoid them being published. During those times, I had to vent because if you're like me and you just don't have anyone around you that you feel comfortable to speak about things that bother you, then you would have to write it down or type it out. And here I am again, typing out my feelings and thoughts. The other day, actually just yesterday, I found myself feeling annoyed and out of place. I've already told my mom and best friend about it yesterday because they just help me understand what I deal with. So, there's a colleague that pretty much gives me the cold shoulder for no reason. Like, I just get this vibe from her that she does not like me at all and to be honest, I've been nothing but nice to her. Even from day one when I met her last school year, I was being kind and friendly because why not make a new friend. I've noticed and felt this after a few days of being around her since my friend and I always hang out during a small break after class. My friend and I invited her to join us during our break and so she was usually with us. She would rather talk to that one friend more than me, and so, I just sit there in silence because she does not make any eye contact with me whatsoever, only occasionally. Then when this school year started, I did not have any classes with her during the fall semester and that was fine with me. When the spring semester began, I ended up being in one class with her, but I made and had friends in that class anyway. She still gave me the same vibe. The thing with her is that she is willing to talk to me, but she still doesn't want to talk to me. Yesterday pushed me a little further. Usually for the class, my group of friends and I would check with each other if we have the same answers for the homework and yesterday during the class's review session, she just went around me and asked my other two friends when she could've asked me since I was nearer. It's funny because she didn't ignore me at all on the day of our midterm exam. After the review, we all decided to get lunch together and when she had to leave, she said goodbye to everyone by saying bye and hugging everyone, but completely ignored me. She acted like I wasn't there. Obviously, she doesn't want to be my friend because she does act like snob towards me. I'm okay with that, because I really don't need a person like that in my life and making me feel like I've done something wrong. She is prejudice towards me and that's wrong. I've seen a pattern that she seems to only make friends with those who appear like they party or they're rich. My style is comfortable and edgy and maybe that could be another reason. I understand that I may have different interests than her, but it gives her no reason to be like that. This just makes me not understand people at all. Why are people like this? It's not high school anymore, you can't be seen as the "popular" person in college/university. I have gotten this vibe in high school (the one I moved to during sophomore year) and now I'm getting in college? Seriously? What happened to being mature adults? It's just plain wrong. Poor judgment just makes a person look bad.

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