Lost.

Hi Internet, it has been way too long and it feels weird to be typing up what's going on with my life and my mind lately. I mean, I barely use Twitter anymore. Most likely because I've been distracted with other things. I am at the middle of the semester of graduate school and I'm beginning to fall apart, as in I'm struggling. It's making me think that I've chosen the wrong path and I shouldn't be doing what I set my mind up for. Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I supposed to pursue something else in life? The answer is I don't know. There are factors to why I'm struggling, and it has been keeping up with being involved in school as well as trying to work. Just recently, I made the decision to resign from the job that I was working in, because I couldn't handle it anymore. There's still time left to save myself, but not as much time that I would like. I sometimes find myself going back into that dark place that I was in before, and that scares me. I don't want to have self-doubt. I don't want to give up. I have this dream, and I want to achieve it, but what's stopping me is the mishaps and such. I'm actually doing terrible, and part of my brain is telling me "that's it, you're not fit for this." Then, theres the rest of my brain that makes me worry a lot. I just keep seeing people getting "lucky" and then there's me. My mom believes that everyone has a certain timeline to their lives once they are born and if they're lucky in that moment, then they were meant to be. It's definitely something that makes a person think long and hard about. Things do happen for a reason. Some don't believe in that, but I some how do. It's like when you have positive thoughts, positive things tend to happen. Of course that seems like just a coincidence, but it could be true. The universe has a weird way of showing us things, spiritually or not. I guess I have to take that mindset and give it a shot. It has worked once before, maybe it'll work again when I really need it. It's just a matter of patience.

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All Over the Place.

It's about the final stretch of the semester and I am pretty much done, mentally and physically. I have two group projects and it's killing me, because everyone is procrastinating and I have to worry about other deadlines and other classes. I suddenly want to quit school and do something that I would love to do. I basically would love to do something in the entertainment industry or something I really enjoy doing like art or photography. Well, anything that pertains to the general idea of art or the arts. I love music. I enjoy acting. I love art. I mean I can still do it, but right now, I don't want to go on further with school. I want to get my life started. Just a few days ago, I went to a concert and I wondered what my life would have been if I did do something I really love and enjoy, like the musicians that I've watched from the front row. They're so passionate in what they do that they are traveling and making a lot of people happy. I just want that feeling. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to do everything all at once. I'm just overly exhausted. These next two weeks have to be over. Then, I can just focus on what I need to focus. I need to go on a retreat to relax and unwind.

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We Meet Again.

So, we meet again through a blog post. I haven't been blogging lately, because I just didn't feel like it. As always, school got in the way. Anyway, let's get on with the topic of discussion. 

For a long time, probably since I was in elementary school as a 10 year old, I had never felt like I belong anywhere. Yeah, I had a lot friends, but I just felt like I didn't quite fit anywhere at all. I would have these negative thoughts run through my mind most the of time. Just sad, depressing thoughts, specifically suicidal, and I had and still have no idea why I have these thoughts. After leaving elementary school, I headed to a middle school that most of my elementary school friends ended up not going to. That meant that I could start over, and that I did. I was the same person, but I tried to be more positive, and more outgoing than I already was. For a while I blocked those negative thoughts out and just tried to live happily. Those thoughts stayed out of my mind throughout middle school and also my first year of high school. I was known as an extroverted girl with many friends that didn't really care if I was crazy or weird. I would hide my negativity behind positivity and claimed that I love life. That wasn't what I've always felt. I hated my life, in general. I would cry a lot and many people would say that I would cry about every little thing. Truth is, I hid the real reason. I would get paranoid with people around me. I would get paranoid about whether they're talking bad about me or laughing about me. I would get paranoid that people just didn't like me. 

I would often get a vibe from people that they didn't want to talk to me or try to talk to me or try to be my friend when I became a sophomore in high school, after all, I moved to a different state and different environment the summer before starting sophomore year. I then became an introvert from feeling this way about people. I suddenly wasn't open to trusting anyone. My aunt would try to get these ideas in my head as a child that you can't trust anyone at all and I started to believe that. I didn't like talking about my feelings. I didn't like showing that I wanted to breakdown. I would bottle everything up and act tough. I also became socially awkward and that is the reason why I avoid socializing. I just stay quiet when I'm around people that I don't know. I don't have a problem talking to people, but I just choose to talk to certain people that don't seem as intimidating to me. I usually sit back and observe. 

I once was messaging a friend about something and he called me a wallflower, just like how Patrick tells everyone at a party that Charlie is a wallflower in the novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (aka my favorite book), because he observes, listens, and understands. I know that I may sound like a nerd by referencing my favorite book, but hey, that's where the idea might have came from. I observe. I listen. Though, I'm not sure if I understand. I usually read people and I can tell what type of person they are, but I still don't understand them. Instead, I just understand what's going on, like if they're willing to speak to me or not.

Moving on, I started to feel this emptiness for a while, even when I transitioned into college. Just the other day, I was feeling depressed and those dark thoughts started to come back. I wanted to cry the whole day, but I just couldn't at school. Everyone would've freaked out and probably think that I'm a freak for randomly crying. I started tearing up while driving when I was almost home, but I held it back. Once I got home, I just burst into tears. I just felt that I've lost control of everything in my life. I felt that my life has gone downhill. I was having suicidal thoughts again. I even tweeted about not existing anymore thinking that no one will care anyway, but I was wrong. My best friend saw it and reach out to me and I got better when she told me that she is willing to listen, or in this case, read about what was going on. Some of my reasons included school and friends, just small things that people don't normally cry about. My mind thinks of the worst things all the time, but I know that there are people out there that do care about me and I should just go on with my life.

I know this post is pretty dark and depressing, but I thought that maybe it was time for me to share something that I've been hiding for years.

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Where Are You Summer? Where Can I Find You?

Hey, Hi, Hello! Just a little update of what has been going on. I just finished the first session of summer classes and it feels great. I now have to worry about the second session.  I'm on a small, three day break from my classes right now and I'm just catching up on some things. It seems like the more I do school work, the more I get lazy. Or it's just that I'm working too hard that I want to be lazy. Either way, I just want a nice break. The reason why I'm taking two summer sessions is so I would have a nice summer vacation next year. My plan is to get everything out of the way so that I can finish all of my schooling on time. Anyway, with school in the way of me actually doing nothing, I try my best to make some free time for myself. So, I set up schedules to submit things before the due date and make sure that I am free on the weekends. Everyone knows that a Thursday is a "college Friday," and that's what I try to keep in mind when I do my school work. I try to keep my Fridays free so that I can enjoy relaxing and doing what I want, so that summer will feel like summer. I also try to keep my Wednesday schedule to a minimum amount of work, because Wednesdays are the days where I spend the whole day with my mom and I won't have time to do a lot of work. I'm just counting down the days until I'm free from these summer classes, which will be the last week of July. It seems long, but it actually goes by fast. Making a schedule definitely helps lower stress levels and increase happiness. 

Aside from summer classes, let me tell you about the non-school related things that I've done. I did the usual: hang out with my cousins and friends, grab a bit to eat, go shopping, and catch up on shows through Netflix. I've just planned out everything for the next few weeks and I hope it goes s'well and that I don't breakdown.

True Food Kitchen

Avocado and Kale Dip

Cucumber Refresher

Spaghetti Squash

Hirshhorn Museum

Forty Carrots @ Bloomingdales: Regular plain frozen yogurt.

Morgenstern's: Salted pretzel caramel ice cream.

Hot N' Juicy: 2lb. crawfish and sweet potato fries.

The Melt Shop: Fried chicken sandwich and Nutella milk shake.

Bakeshop: Vanilla Macwich.

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I'm Still Trying to Understand.

Image via WeHeartIt

This is, I guess, another personal post. It's just me expressing my mind. I can save this as a draft and keep it to myself, but this is not dramatic and negative and somewhat offensive. Usually when people are angry and they express their minds, they do get aggressive with words and that's just what human beings do. I admit that I have posted blog posts that are like that and I've come to realization that this is the internet and it may appear unprofessional. So, I've made them private for myself by saving them as drafts and avoid them being published. During those times, I had to vent because if you're like me and you just don't have anyone around you that you feel comfortable to speak about things that bother you, then you would have to write it down or type it out. And here I am again, typing out my feelings and thoughts. The other day, actually just yesterday, I found myself feeling annoyed and out of place. I've already told my mom and best friend about it yesterday because they just help me understand what I deal with. So, there's a colleague that pretty much gives me the cold shoulder for no reason. Like, I just get this vibe from her that she does not like me at all and to be honest, I've been nothing but nice to her. Even from day one when I met her last school year, I was being kind and friendly because why not make a new friend. I've noticed and felt this after a few days of being around her since my friend and I always hang out during a small break after class. My friend and I invited her to join us during our break and so she was usually with us. She would rather talk to that one friend more than me, and so, I just sit there in silence because she does not make any eye contact with me whatsoever, only occasionally. Then when this school year started, I did not have any classes with her during the fall semester and that was fine with me. When the spring semester began, I ended up being in one class with her, but I made and had friends in that class anyway. She still gave me the same vibe. The thing with her is that she is willing to talk to me, but she still doesn't want to talk to me. Yesterday pushed me a little further. Usually for the class, my group of friends and I would check with each other if we have the same answers for the homework and yesterday during the class's review session, she just went around me and asked my other two friends when she could've asked me since I was nearer. It's funny because she didn't ignore me at all on the day of our midterm exam. After the review, we all decided to get lunch together and when she had to leave, she said goodbye to everyone by saying bye and hugging everyone, but completely ignored me. She acted like I wasn't there. Obviously, she doesn't want to be my friend because she does act like snob towards me. I'm okay with that, because I really don't need a person like that in my life and making me feel like I've done something wrong. She is prejudice towards me and that's wrong. I've seen a pattern that she seems to only make friends with those who appear like they party or they're rich. My style is comfortable and edgy and maybe that could be another reason. I understand that I may have different interests than her, but it gives her no reason to be like that. This just makes me not understand people at all. Why are people like this? It's not high school anymore, you can't be seen as the "popular" person in college/university. I have gotten this vibe in high school (the one I moved to during sophomore year) and now I'm getting in college? Seriously? What happened to being mature adults? It's just plain wrong. Poor judgment just makes a person look bad.

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Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.

Hello, long time no blog? I admit that I've been a terrible blogger lately. My excuses are still the same. I've been busy with school, and I've been busy with life in general. The main reason why I started this blog is to share certain things in my life with the internet. Of course I don't include every single thing in my life, but this is like my public diary. As more of an introvert than an extrovert, I do not normally share things with people in person. So, my original intentions were to blog what's on my mind. However, most of the blog posts that I have posted already, as you know, are about my adventures and a little bit of everything else. From fashion to beauty to my life, I want to include a diversity of things on this blog, but I have been failing lately. As a full time student, I hope you understand that I will blog when I am able to, unless something comes up and I have to post something. Anyway, I'm going to update you with what has been going on recently. It has been about a month into the spring semester and I am tired. Not so tired of school, but tired of going to school during the winter. I am not the biggest fan of snow, wind, and below freezing temperatures. There are advantages of snow, which are school delays and snow days. Like today, I have a snow day because winter just keeps coming. Though I am saying that I'm more tired of going to school in the winter, I will eventually say that I am tired of school at a point some time during the semester. I will start complaining most likely in the middle towards the end, but saying that I'm tired won't stop me. After all, saying something is completely different from actually doing something. As of now, I will try my best to post more often. Hopefully I will blog again some time soon!

Image via Pinterest.

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