Questioning Life Again.

I honestly do not understand people. Like, their actions and choices. A lot of things do not make any sense to me. How one interacts with another. I always find myself being too nice and I can't help it. No matter what, I will always try to find a way to help someone for certain situations. Of course, I am only human and I can't always help someone. The thing is that, I don't get the same act of kindness in return. Yeah sure, to some people their act may be viewed as the same, but it is actually not. I push everything aside to help them and I often forget about what I'm doing. I am constantly used and it sucks. I don't really think about it, but when I find myself sitting and thinking deeply, I notice it. I tend to keep things bottled up to the point where I will only think of the negatives in my life, which is pretty bad. So, I always ask why haven't I gotten a good outcome out of helping and being kind to these people? I admit that I have a slight RBF, but it doesn't mean that I'm mean. These interactions with these people make me dislike people. In the past, I didn't have anything against the general people, but as I grew up and opened my eyes, I grew to not liking people. That is why I've become more of an introvert. I am an ambivert, but more of an introvert. I do get anxious around people, but I'm not afraid of talking to people. I often isolate myself out of socializing in a crowd of people. I sometimes think it's because of who I am and my background. As you can see, I am an Asian American and there are always those stereotypes. I can tell you that I come from a very Americanized family, which does not fulfill the whole stereotype. Maybe its the way I dress. I do not have a specific label for the way I dress. I just put things that go well together, but I often go for something with a vintage feel to it. I don't know. Maybe just NYC street style? Most likely. It could be that I make myself seem shy, because I barely talk. I don't really like gossip. I will listen and give my feedback, but I don't go around gossiping. That could be another thing, we don't have anything in common because I don't do what they do. I don't party. I don't really socialize. That is just who I am, but I find myself always alone. It's the judgement of looking past my personality and just seeing what I look like. Like, what? This is why I have trouble making a lot of friends. Most times I feel unappreciated. It really sucks. It's the way people are around me and how they treat me that make me feel this way. I wish I knew why.

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We Meet Again.

So, we meet again through a blog post. I haven't been blogging lately, because I just didn't feel like it. As always, school got in the way. Anyway, let's get on with the topic of discussion. 

For a long time, probably since I was in elementary school as a 10 year old, I had never felt like I belong anywhere. Yeah, I had a lot friends, but I just felt like I didn't quite fit anywhere at all. I would have these negative thoughts run through my mind most the of time. Just sad, depressing thoughts, specifically suicidal, and I had and still have no idea why I have these thoughts. After leaving elementary school, I headed to a middle school that most of my elementary school friends ended up not going to. That meant that I could start over, and that I did. I was the same person, but I tried to be more positive, and more outgoing than I already was. For a while I blocked those negative thoughts out and just tried to live happily. Those thoughts stayed out of my mind throughout middle school and also my first year of high school. I was known as an extroverted girl with many friends that didn't really care if I was crazy or weird. I would hide my negativity behind positivity and claimed that I love life. That wasn't what I've always felt. I hated my life, in general. I would cry a lot and many people would say that I would cry about every little thing. Truth is, I hid the real reason. I would get paranoid with people around me. I would get paranoid about whether they're talking bad about me or laughing about me. I would get paranoid that people just didn't like me. 

I would often get a vibe from people that they didn't want to talk to me or try to talk to me or try to be my friend when I became a sophomore in high school, after all, I moved to a different state and different environment the summer before starting sophomore year. I then became an introvert from feeling this way about people. I suddenly wasn't open to trusting anyone. My aunt would try to get these ideas in my head as a child that you can't trust anyone at all and I started to believe that. I didn't like talking about my feelings. I didn't like showing that I wanted to breakdown. I would bottle everything up and act tough. I also became socially awkward and that is the reason why I avoid socializing. I just stay quiet when I'm around people that I don't know. I don't have a problem talking to people, but I just choose to talk to certain people that don't seem as intimidating to me. I usually sit back and observe. 

I once was messaging a friend about something and he called me a wallflower, just like how Patrick tells everyone at a party that Charlie is a wallflower in the novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (aka my favorite book), because he observes, listens, and understands. I know that I may sound like a nerd by referencing my favorite book, but hey, that's where the idea might have came from. I observe. I listen. Though, I'm not sure if I understand. I usually read people and I can tell what type of person they are, but I still don't understand them. Instead, I just understand what's going on, like if they're willing to speak to me or not.

Moving on, I started to feel this emptiness for a while, even when I transitioned into college. Just the other day, I was feeling depressed and those dark thoughts started to come back. I wanted to cry the whole day, but I just couldn't at school. Everyone would've freaked out and probably think that I'm a freak for randomly crying. I started tearing up while driving when I was almost home, but I held it back. Once I got home, I just burst into tears. I just felt that I've lost control of everything in my life. I felt that my life has gone downhill. I was having suicidal thoughts again. I even tweeted about not existing anymore thinking that no one will care anyway, but I was wrong. My best friend saw it and reach out to me and I got better when she told me that she is willing to listen, or in this case, read about what was going on. Some of my reasons included school and friends, just small things that people don't normally cry about. My mind thinks of the worst things all the time, but I know that there are people out there that do care about me and I should just go on with my life.

I know this post is pretty dark and depressing, but I thought that maybe it was time for me to share something that I've been hiding for years.

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Get To Know Me!

I am back on Youtube. Well, back making videos for Youtube that is. I finally did a proper introduction video by doing the "Get To Know Me Tag" for my channel and this blog. I hope you enjoy it and learned more about me!

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A Nice, Small Moment.

Yesterday, my friend, Lizette and I planned to meet up to go to the pizza restaurant where our friend from middle school works at for a laugh. Not to mention that the friend is the old crush of mine and also the friend that I had an awkward moment with last week. As we walked into the restaurant, there was no sight of him, but we ordered our pizza anyway because we've already walked in. As we were waiting, we just had some random conversations, as usual, and the friend was going around cleaning the tables. Then, when our pizzas were ready, we went up to the counter to pay and the friend suddenly said "Hi Sandy" then "Hi Lizette" and I was like "Hey ______!" Yup. Then he started a conversation by asking us where we go to school and stuff. After we got our pizza, we went to our table. Later on, he started cleaning tables again and asked me a few other questions and asked some of the same to Lizette. It was nice that he was concerned. I'm glad that he spoke to us first and was trying to keep a conversation too. It's nice to see someone after some number of years and knowing that they're doing really well. It's just the little things in life that gets to me. It was great seeing and talking to him and not feeling so awkward anymore.

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Let's Talk Awkward!

Image via WeHeartIt.

Okay, I am probably the princess of being awkward. I encounter awkward moments everyday. Probably because I just make it awkward.  Alright, enough of me telling you how awkward I am. Yesterday, I went to order pizza at this pizza restaurant with my dad and as I was ordering, I've realized that the person who was taking my order was a friend from middle school. When I walked into the restaurant, I didn't recognize him because I can't really make out a person's face from a distance. As I went up to the counter to make my order, I was looking at the menu to find what my dad wanted on his pizza. So, no eye contact there. I wasn't sure what my dad wanted and I had confused the guy, but my dad came in and cleared it up. Then, when I did make eye contact, I knew that he looked familiar. It was a friend from my class in 7th grade. It was so weird seeing him because it has been about 5 years since I've last seen him. The awkward part is that we both acted like we didn't know each other. I'd like to admit that I used to have a crush on him and that made it even more awkward for me and he still looks the same. Maybe a little bit maturer. I wanted to laugh out loud in the restaurant because it was so awkward for me. As soon as I recognized him, I texted my two best friends from middle school and my cousin. I was freaking out and not to mention, smiling like an idiot because I was trying to hold in my laughter. Let's just say I am very awkward and that's okay.

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