To You

It has been almost two years since I've last wrote here, but something brought me back. Feeling used is not a pleasant thing, especially when you start to fall for someone. And that's what happened to me. This is the closure I will never get. This is my letter to you.

I was led on to think I was that special person, the only one, the right one. I put my energy to making things work after you told me that it will. Most guys will contribute to my trust issues. I was made to believe that you were different. You are not. You are, in fact, worse. I know what we had didn't go as far, but you made me believe that it would. Since the first night I met you, I had my guard up. I didn't want to become attached, and that is why I did not open up to you. I needed to know that I can trust you. We were still new and I didn't want to scare you away if I were to open up about everything. I didn't want you to leave. I enjoyed our moments. I loved our intimate moments. I just don't understand what went wrong. I just don't know how you moved on so quickly. I clearly can't. My heart kept sinking every time you posted something with the person you left me for. I wondered why you kept me around though. Why didn't you let me go? Why did you let me constantly reach out to you? Why couldn't you communicate with me? You obviously made your choice. I just want to know what made you leave. We were supposed to go on another date, do you remember that? That's where it all began, when you began avoiding me. I woke up that morning feeling extremely happy. I put on makeup, a nice outfit, and made sure I got out of work early. All that time was wasted. You were the first guy I ever deeply made eye contact with. You didn't get a chance to know that eye contact is something that makes me uncomfortable, but you made me feel comfortable. You made realty go away. I just want you to know that I'm not in love with you, but I loved what we shared. A part of me is thankful that what we had went as far as it could, because I would've fallen in love and you would still hurt me along the way. I can tell you that I do feel damaged, way more damaged than the other times a guy hurts me. Did you know that you were going to hurt me? Did you actually care for me? Obviously not enough, right? You would constantly try to pick my brain, wanting to know what I'm thinking about. Was that all an act to show that you cared? I'm still confused. I'm confused on how you made all these future plans with me. I'm confused on how you would ask me to stay the night. What was all of that? I wish you would tell me. I just wish I can get an answer. All I know is that, you are not right for me. You are an example of what I don't need and what I don't want. I need to let you go. I will let you go.

Let's Talk Awkward!

Image via WeHeartIt.

Okay, I am probably the princess of being awkward. I encounter awkward moments everyday. Probably because I just make it awkward.  Alright, enough of me telling you how awkward I am. Yesterday, I went to order pizza at this pizza restaurant with my dad and as I was ordering, I've realized that the person who was taking my order was a friend from middle school. When I walked into the restaurant, I didn't recognize him because I can't really make out a person's face from a distance. As I went up to the counter to make my order, I was looking at the menu to find what my dad wanted on his pizza. So, no eye contact there. I wasn't sure what my dad wanted and I had confused the guy, but my dad came in and cleared it up. Then, when I did make eye contact, I knew that he looked familiar. It was a friend from my class in 7th grade. It was so weird seeing him because it has been about 5 years since I've last seen him. The awkward part is that we both acted like we didn't know each other. I'd like to admit that I used to have a crush on him and that made it even more awkward for me and he still looks the same. Maybe a little bit maturer. I wanted to laugh out loud in the restaurant because it was so awkward for me. As soon as I recognized him, I texted my two best friends from middle school and my cousin. I was freaking out and not to mention, smiling like an idiot because I was trying to hold in my laughter. Let's just say I am very awkward and that's okay.

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