Troubled.

I try to be happy, but I can't. I try to worry less, but I simply can't. It really sucks to feel the way I do. I often feel so alone. I often question my existence. Like, what is my purpose living anyway? Lately, all I want to do is cry and this time it has nothing to do with school really. I just feel this sadness growing inside of me everyday. I'm not sure what's going on. I could be going through a crisis, but it's been there for a while. Maybe it's a long-term crisis. I want to know how it feels to be happy. Yeah, I do have moments where I look happy, but it's only short-lived. At this very moment as I'm typing this, I want to cry. I need to cry. All I have been doing lately is cry. I have no one really to talk to. Well, I do, but I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. So, what's the point of living exactly? I'm not sure. I can't even speak to my parents and express how I feel, because I don't know how. I feel like I'm often forgotten about by my surroundings. And so Internet, I'm going to try to express myself to you. 

It frustrates me how I keep helping people and they're not appreciative of my help. It frustrates me that I am constantly left out of things. I understand that I'm not quite an extrovert, but I just want to fit in somewhere. I recently found out that I was never on the roster of an organization that I am a part of. Now, I'm actually thinking about quitting. I'm always alone and no one really talks to me, besides a handful of people. I'm pushed off to the side. Anyway, I'm going to get back on track. It also frustrates me how people want to make me starve to death. I am constantly told that I've gained some weight or that I'm somewhat fat. I've tried actually dieting, but seeing nothing. It frustrates me how people treat me like I'm dumb. What's the point of working hard and getting educated when I'm treated this way?

I'm honestly just exhausted. I'm exhausted about all of this. Again, what's the point of living? When am I going to feel happy? When will I stop worrying so much? I'm not sure.

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I'm an Adult?

Image via Pinterest

So, I'm considered an adult. What is the real definition of an adult? I don't feel like an adult. What makes me an adult? I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out life itself. I can't even get my life together, but if I did, I wouldn't be human. After weeks of relaxing after a whole year of being a student and taking classes, I finally got to relax. I have to admit, it felt weird when I was finally free from work. I then got used to being able to be carefree a bit. I then woke up to reality and I realized that I needed to find a job and internships to earn experience and some money while I finish my last year as an undergraduate. It's crazy how I'm almost done with school. I began my job and internship search this week and I also created a new cover letter. I just hope I'm good enough. To be honest, everything scares me and I just think of the worst for myself and of myself. I always feel pressured because I have the mind of a perfectionist. It actually sucks having that mind set sometimes, but hey, that's just who I am. I am now in my twenties and I would like to do a million things, but I'm afraid that I won't get to anytime soon. There are people my age who are fortunate enough to do those things that they've dreamt of now. I'm just waiting for my time to do those things. My mom has always told me to not think too much far ahead in life, because I am creating scenarios and I might end up disappointed in the end, which has happened before. I just need to find a way to only think of the present, be aware of the present, and keep my expectations leveled. The only way that I can do that is distract myself, like how I did during the recent spring semester. I actually surprised myself and was beyond happy. I'm usually... just content. As a reminder to myself, I should distract myself with only things happening in front of me, don't expect too much, and think positively, even when everything goes wrong or it's just not my day. I'm not a kid, but not an adult. I'm going to have times where it's okay to be a kid, and times where I have to be an adult, or the society's definition of an adult.

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Questioning Life Again.

I honestly do not understand people. Like, their actions and choices. A lot of things do not make any sense to me. How one interacts with another. I always find myself being too nice and I can't help it. No matter what, I will always try to find a way to help someone for certain situations. Of course, I am only human and I can't always help someone. The thing is that, I don't get the same act of kindness in return. Yeah sure, to some people their act may be viewed as the same, but it is actually not. I push everything aside to help them and I often forget about what I'm doing. I am constantly used and it sucks. I don't really think about it, but when I find myself sitting and thinking deeply, I notice it. I tend to keep things bottled up to the point where I will only think of the negatives in my life, which is pretty bad. So, I always ask why haven't I gotten a good outcome out of helping and being kind to these people? I admit that I have a slight RBF, but it doesn't mean that I'm mean. These interactions with these people make me dislike people. In the past, I didn't have anything against the general people, but as I grew up and opened my eyes, I grew to not liking people. That is why I've become more of an introvert. I am an ambivert, but more of an introvert. I do get anxious around people, but I'm not afraid of talking to people. I often isolate myself out of socializing in a crowd of people. I sometimes think it's because of who I am and my background. As you can see, I am an Asian American and there are always those stereotypes. I can tell you that I come from a very Americanized family, which does not fulfill the whole stereotype. Maybe its the way I dress. I do not have a specific label for the way I dress. I just put things that go well together, but I often go for something with a vintage feel to it. I don't know. Maybe just NYC street style? Most likely. It could be that I make myself seem shy, because I barely talk. I don't really like gossip. I will listen and give my feedback, but I don't go around gossiping. That could be another thing, we don't have anything in common because I don't do what they do. I don't party. I don't really socialize. That is just who I am, but I find myself always alone. It's the judgement of looking past my personality and just seeing what I look like. Like, what? This is why I have trouble making a lot of friends. Most times I feel unappreciated. It really sucks. It's the way people are around me and how they treat me that make me feel this way. I wish I knew why.

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I'm Terrible At This.

I've created this blog to share my life with the internet world. Of course I would not share every little detail in my life, but that was the purpose. It's basically a public journal. I did not have a theme like fashion, food, or beauty when I started this blog. I wasn't sure if people would read it or follow my blog. I'm not really good at promoting myself, because I'm not looking for "fame." This is mostly lifestyle, and there are better looking blogs out there. I've tried my best to be consistent with posting, even if it's a small, short post. I've been caught up with real world situations that I have forgotten about blogging for a while. There have been certain times where I did not know what to post. I wasn't doing anything creative. I didn't have anything exciting to share. I could've done hauls and stuff, the typical girl blogger things. I did not feel like blogging any of that. I guess I'm growing out of that. So, maybe I'll start blogging my thoughts and major events in my life. I want to try my best to be consistent, but I have reached the point in my life where I can't do this full time. I will be terrible at posting things, but that's okay. I'm getting close to entering the real world, and I want to focus on that now. I wish I can be called a "blogger," but I obviously can't. I don't think I would label myself that. So, I'll be here from time to time, but not all the time.

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All Over the Place.

It's about the final stretch of the semester and I am pretty much done, mentally and physically. I have two group projects and it's killing me, because everyone is procrastinating and I have to worry about other deadlines and other classes. I suddenly want to quit school and do something that I would love to do. I basically would love to do something in the entertainment industry or something I really enjoy doing like art or photography. Well, anything that pertains to the general idea of art or the arts. I love music. I enjoy acting. I love art. I mean I can still do it, but right now, I don't want to go on further with school. I want to get my life started. Just a few days ago, I went to a concert and I wondered what my life would have been if I did do something I really love and enjoy, like the musicians that I've watched from the front row. They're so passionate in what they do that they are traveling and making a lot of people happy. I just want that feeling. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to do everything all at once. I'm just overly exhausted. These next two weeks have to be over. Then, I can just focus on what I need to focus. I need to go on a retreat to relax and unwind.

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Simple Easter Treat.

Hi there! Happy Easter! So, my cousin and I thought about making some yummy treats for Easter and what simple, easy treat to make other than Rice Krispie Treats. We thought we could make Robin's Nest with Cadbury Mini Eggs with some chocolate drizzle. What you would need is:

• A whole package of regular sized Marshmallows
• We used 4 Tsp. of butter, but I think the recipe calls for less than that (We were eyeballing it)
• Enough Rice Krispies to coat (Again, we were eyeballing it)
• A few pieces of chocolate (dark or milk) to melt
• Cadbury Mini Eggs (Just enough to fill the nests)

First, you will want to heat up a sauce pan on medium heat. Next, when your pan is hot enough, turn the heat to low and add in your butter. When your butter is fully melted, add in about half of the marshmallows and turn the heat up to medium low. By putting in half of the marshmallows, it quicken the melting process. Once it is melted, add in the rest and let it melt. When it is all melted, you want it to cool down a bit before mixing it with the Rice Krispies. In a mixing bowl, pour in your Rice Krispies. Then, with your melted marshmallows, pour it in the mixing bowl with the Rice Krispies while it is still warm. If it is necessary, add some more Rice Krispies. Next, you can use the back of a muffin tin sprayed with some cooking oil to mold the nest, but we molded them free-handedly. You would want to set them on some wax or parshment paper on a baking sheet so that it can cool and harden. When you're done molding them, put them in the fridge for about 10-15 minutes. While you wait, you can melt your chocolate. I would suggest to add a little bit of olive or vegetable oil in the chocolate so that it won't chunk up so quickly. Next, pour the chocolate in a plastic baggy and snip one corner to drizzle. Take out the chilled nest and begin to drizzle your chocolate. After, you can start placing your eggs in the nests. Lastly, move the nests into some cupcake liners and there you have it! Robin's Nests for an Easter treat. I hope that you enjoy making them and enjoy eating them! These are fun to make.

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Quarter Life Crisis.

Hi, I was going through a crisis about 2 weeks ago and I think I'm going to be okay. Well, there's still one big factor that I have to deal with, but I've figured out something. 2 weeks ago, I found myself contemplating on life and what I should succeed in life. I wanted to back down from what I am currently doing and pursue in something much different. I was asking myself: Should I even do this? What if I can't handle it? Is it too late? I wasn't sure about my life and career path anymore. Here's a video of me explaining my crisis:

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