Flustered.

My mind has been all over the place that I can't seem to remember that this blog exists. I've been writing in my journal, which I have invested for venting out my emotions and feelings, when I find the time to. It keeps me sane and together, which I honestly would've never thought it would, but it does when no one has the time to listen. I know that this may seem like it would be a good idea for me to go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist to see what's going on in my head, but I don't think I have the need to since it comes and goes. For a time, I thought that I would need it, but a friend made me see a different side to how I was feeling. Everything leads down to school, of course. Now that the semester is over, my anxiety continues to take over. I'm actually trying really hard to think positive. After all, positive thoughts bring better outcomes. Just the other day, I ended up crying out of nowhere, because I was just worried. I even almost cried at a family friend's party. Both of my parents try to make me feel better by keeping their minds positive and believing in me, which keeps me a little calm. It's definitely hard. I had a bad dream about receiving a grade in one class that I woke up in panic. It could be from worrying way too much about it. It hasn't been the best semester and I wish it was a good semester. I just have to believe in myself as much as my parents believe in me. My insecurities and paranoia may get in the way though. I just have to try to block it. I was just thinking that, this year isn't really my year. 2015 did not go as well as I thought it would go from the beginning. So, let's just hope 2016 and the next semester will go very well and the key is to believe... OH MY GOSH. I've just realized that this was a sign from when I did an escape room with my friends. One of the clues was spelling out "believe." Mind blown! I'm actually really tired right now and probably delirious since it's 2 something in the morning and I have to be up in about a little less than 6 hours. There has been many signs appearing in front of me lately, and I am going to take my chances and follow them, because that may lead me to where I want to be. Wow, I am getting deep. Anyway, until the next time I remember or have something to blog about, type you later. Hopefully, I will get my life together soon.

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Unbalanced Moods.

Image via Pinterest.

Hi there. So, as a woman, my moods fluctuate quite a lot. I've been feeling angry, happy, and sad within a certain period of time. Just last week, I had a stage of depression and I just was miserable. On Sunday and Monday, I felt useless and very anxious that I was crying while I was studying for an exam. And now, I feel content, still anxious, but content. This morning, I snapped at someone because I was just getting annoyed and I'm assuming that said person thought I would let them push me around. I'm human and I have my limitations. I usually let things go, but it was reaching up to a point that I had to literally give them the finger and curse. Yeah, I did that today. I might have surprised people, but hey, I can't hold back forever. Another person knew that I was stressing out and I wasn't in the mood, after all, I had two exams today and they knew about it. The thing that ticked me off was that said person wanted me to tell them what was on the exam that I was able to take early. I obviously couldn't, because it would not be fair for anyone. That said person knows that I'm too nice (which has its pros and cons) and they thought that I would cave in easily. I'm sorry, but how would that benefit me? I wouldn't feel good about it from beginning to the end. I honestly would be happy if this person stops talking to me. They are a distraction to my studies. Plus, I don't really like them. Moving on, other than getting annoyed and building up anger, I'm okay now. For a few days, I was feeling sadness, and then I was feeling happiness. I'm trying to figure out why this happens, but it's totally normal because I've actually spoke about it with my mom and friend and they sometimes feel the same things. It could just be hormones too. So, these moods are just female things I guess.

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We Meet Again.

So, we meet again through a blog post. I haven't been blogging lately, because I just didn't feel like it. As always, school got in the way. Anyway, let's get on with the topic of discussion. 

For a long time, probably since I was in elementary school as a 10 year old, I had never felt like I belong anywhere. Yeah, I had a lot friends, but I just felt like I didn't quite fit anywhere at all. I would have these negative thoughts run through my mind most the of time. Just sad, depressing thoughts, specifically suicidal, and I had and still have no idea why I have these thoughts. After leaving elementary school, I headed to a middle school that most of my elementary school friends ended up not going to. That meant that I could start over, and that I did. I was the same person, but I tried to be more positive, and more outgoing than I already was. For a while I blocked those negative thoughts out and just tried to live happily. Those thoughts stayed out of my mind throughout middle school and also my first year of high school. I was known as an extroverted girl with many friends that didn't really care if I was crazy or weird. I would hide my negativity behind positivity and claimed that I love life. That wasn't what I've always felt. I hated my life, in general. I would cry a lot and many people would say that I would cry about every little thing. Truth is, I hid the real reason. I would get paranoid with people around me. I would get paranoid about whether they're talking bad about me or laughing about me. I would get paranoid that people just didn't like me. 

I would often get a vibe from people that they didn't want to talk to me or try to talk to me or try to be my friend when I became a sophomore in high school, after all, I moved to a different state and different environment the summer before starting sophomore year. I then became an introvert from feeling this way about people. I suddenly wasn't open to trusting anyone. My aunt would try to get these ideas in my head as a child that you can't trust anyone at all and I started to believe that. I didn't like talking about my feelings. I didn't like showing that I wanted to breakdown. I would bottle everything up and act tough. I also became socially awkward and that is the reason why I avoid socializing. I just stay quiet when I'm around people that I don't know. I don't have a problem talking to people, but I just choose to talk to certain people that don't seem as intimidating to me. I usually sit back and observe. 

I once was messaging a friend about something and he called me a wallflower, just like how Patrick tells everyone at a party that Charlie is a wallflower in the novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (aka my favorite book), because he observes, listens, and understands. I know that I may sound like a nerd by referencing my favorite book, but hey, that's where the idea might have came from. I observe. I listen. Though, I'm not sure if I understand. I usually read people and I can tell what type of person they are, but I still don't understand them. Instead, I just understand what's going on, like if they're willing to speak to me or not.

Moving on, I started to feel this emptiness for a while, even when I transitioned into college. Just the other day, I was feeling depressed and those dark thoughts started to come back. I wanted to cry the whole day, but I just couldn't at school. Everyone would've freaked out and probably think that I'm a freak for randomly crying. I started tearing up while driving when I was almost home, but I held it back. Once I got home, I just burst into tears. I just felt that I've lost control of everything in my life. I felt that my life has gone downhill. I was having suicidal thoughts again. I even tweeted about not existing anymore thinking that no one will care anyway, but I was wrong. My best friend saw it and reach out to me and I got better when she told me that she is willing to listen, or in this case, read about what was going on. Some of my reasons included school and friends, just small things that people don't normally cry about. My mind thinks of the worst things all the time, but I know that there are people out there that do care about me and I should just go on with my life.

I know this post is pretty dark and depressing, but I thought that maybe it was time for me to share something that I've been hiding for years.

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What's Going On?!

Image via Google.

Hey, hi, hello. I know that I've said that I will post more often on this blog, but I either have nothing to post about or I've been busy being lazy after two months of summer classes. Tomorrow will be the first day of classes and I'm freaking out because summer flew by. In the sense of the school year, summer is over, but scientifically, it's not. My mind has been all over the place lately and I honestly don't know what's going on. I can't really think straight. Even my grammar has been all over the place. Although I'm not ready to go back to school, maybe my mind is. Or maybe I just need more sleep. I do get the full 7-9 hours, but it feels like it is not enough. I just want to rest. I know I shouldn't complain, because I'm not out in the real world yet where I am on my own, but I just want to take up as much laziness that I can get before I head my way into the real world. I also want to have fun while I can. That is one thing on my mind. Another would get into the deep stuff that I don't really want to share to the Internet, but it is something that makes me feel small and alone. That's how deep and dark my mind has gone to. I am okay though, because I just let my emotions out and I suddenly feel fine. Here is where thinking positive comes in. Positivity works it's way in to fight the negativity that is running through my mind. I am sill unsure of what's going on my mind, but sure, I'll find it.

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Where Are You Summer? Where Can I Find You?

Hey, Hi, Hello! Just a little update of what has been going on. I just finished the first session of summer classes and it feels great. I now have to worry about the second session.  I'm on a small, three day break from my classes right now and I'm just catching up on some things. It seems like the more I do school work, the more I get lazy. Or it's just that I'm working too hard that I want to be lazy. Either way, I just want a nice break. The reason why I'm taking two summer sessions is so I would have a nice summer vacation next year. My plan is to get everything out of the way so that I can finish all of my schooling on time. Anyway, with school in the way of me actually doing nothing, I try my best to make some free time for myself. So, I set up schedules to submit things before the due date and make sure that I am free on the weekends. Everyone knows that a Thursday is a "college Friday," and that's what I try to keep in mind when I do my school work. I try to keep my Fridays free so that I can enjoy relaxing and doing what I want, so that summer will feel like summer. I also try to keep my Wednesday schedule to a minimum amount of work, because Wednesdays are the days where I spend the whole day with my mom and I won't have time to do a lot of work. I'm just counting down the days until I'm free from these summer classes, which will be the last week of July. It seems long, but it actually goes by fast. Making a schedule definitely helps lower stress levels and increase happiness. 

Aside from summer classes, let me tell you about the non-school related things that I've done. I did the usual: hang out with my cousins and friends, grab a bit to eat, go shopping, and catch up on shows through Netflix. I've just planned out everything for the next few weeks and I hope it goes s'well and that I don't breakdown.

True Food Kitchen

Avocado and Kale Dip

Cucumber Refresher

Spaghetti Squash

Hirshhorn Museum

Forty Carrots @ Bloomingdales: Regular plain frozen yogurt.

Morgenstern's: Salted pretzel caramel ice cream.

Hot N' Juicy: 2lb. crawfish and sweet potato fries.

The Melt Shop: Fried chicken sandwich and Nutella milk shake.

Bakeshop: Vanilla Macwich.

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It's Complete!

Hey there! As you can tell from the title, my blog is complete, and I'm satisfied. I was and still am a little rusty with HTML and CSS codes, because well, I stopped using Myspace a long time ago. It took me a little while to get my blog the way I wanted it to be. I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to designing things.  I had to make sure everything was centered and just right. Anywho, this is just a small post to say that I'm done and happy with the changes I've made.

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Under Construction.

I've decided to change up this blog. Just giving it a new look. I know I haven't posted much lately and I told myself that I should, but I didn't think online classes would take up most of my day. I actually finished my school work early and here I am up at 2:19 AM fixing up this blog. Why change the look of my blog? Well, my style has matured up a bit and I thought it was time for a change. It's pretty much complete, but I may change it some more. As of right now, it is still under construction. I will post an update of what I've done so far during this summer when I get a chance. Anyway, I should go to sleep.

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