I was led on to think I was that special person, the only one, the right one. I put my energy to making things work after you told me that it will. Most guys will contribute to my trust issues. I was made to believe that you were different. You are not. You are, in fact, worse. I know what we had didn't go as far, but you made me believe that it would. Since the first night I met you, I had my guard up. I didn't want to become attached, and that is why I did not open up to you. I needed to know that I can trust you. We were still new and I didn't want to scare you away if I were to open up about everything. I didn't want you to leave. I enjoyed our moments. I loved our intimate moments. I just don't understand what went wrong. I just don't know how you moved on so quickly. I clearly can't. My heart kept sinking every time you posted something with the person you left me for. I wondered why you kept me around though. Why didn't you let me go? Why did you let me constantly reach out to you? Why couldn't you communicate with me? You obviously made your choice. I just want to know what made you leave. We were supposed to go on another date, do you remember that? That's where it all began, when you began avoiding me. I woke up that morning feeling extremely happy. I put on makeup, a nice outfit, and made sure I got out of work early. All that time was wasted. You were the first guy I ever deeply made eye contact with. You didn't get a chance to know that eye contact is something that makes me uncomfortable, but you made me feel comfortable. You made realty go away. I just want you to know that I'm not in love with you, but I loved what we shared. A part of me is thankful that what we had went as far as it could, because I would've fallen in love and you would still hurt me along the way. I can tell you that I do feel damaged, way more damaged than the other times a guy hurts me. Did you know that you were going to hurt me? Did you actually care for me? Obviously not enough, right? You would constantly try to pick my brain, wanting to know what I'm thinking about. Was that all an act to show that you cared? I'm still confused. I'm confused on how you made all these future plans with me. I'm confused on how you would ask me to stay the night. What was all of that? I wish you would tell me. I just wish I can get an answer. All I know is that, you are not right for me. You are an example of what I don't need and what I don't want. I need to let you go. I will let you go.
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
To You
It has been almost two years since I've last wrote here, but something brought me back. Feeling used is not a pleasant thing, especially when you start to fall for someone. And that's what happened to me. This is the closure I will never get. This is my letter to you.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Forgotten.
Sometimes, I feel forgotten. Sometimes, I feel like my existence is not acknowledged. I sometimes feel invisible. I feel lonely. I feel empty. Just picture a human heart made up of a bunch of puzzle pieces, but there's a missing piece somewhere. That is how I physically feel, like my heart is missing something that makes me feel this way. I try my best to find happiness. I try my best to be happy. Yeah, of course it's the depression. What else would it be? I just don't understand why it makes me feel like I'm all alone, even when I'm surrounded by so many people. I sometimes feel like some important people in my life just don't want anything to do with me anymore. They're pushing me away. Finding excuses to get rid of me. It angers me, but it also saddens me. It makes me view life as a disappointment. I am always forced to face the negatives and be blinded enough to not face the positives. I do not feel like I should be around if I feel forgotten, but I have a path in front of me that I need to follow. I constantly feel miserable. I constantly feel unhappy. I just want my happy ending. Everything I do leads to a temporary happiness, and it sucks.
Saturday, March 17, 2018
Journey to Finding Happiness.
Those who know me well, and those who actually follow what I post on this blog know that I have general anxiety and persistent depression. For a while, I've been through very high ups and very high downs. Mostly very high downs. It's something I wish I can fully control, but it's a work in progress. I have never actually publicly mentioned this, but about a year ago, I chose the option to be on medication since I wasn't finding anything helping me. My anxiety is an ongoing thing, while my depression comes and goes. I've done everything I can to make me feel good about myself and life in general, but nothing helped. My anxiety gotten worse where I would have panic attacks, and my depression causing me to constantly be tearful and unmotivated. Then I sought help elsewhere from counseling. I went to see a psychiatrist for treatment. I was prescribed an antidepressant and it definitely helped. Of course it only helps during a certain amount of hours during the day. Even when I was on the antidepressant, the anxiety and depression lingered. Through treatment, I was finding myself learning techniques lessening the anxiety, but not much the depression because I wasn't depressed all the time. I was gaining back my appetite after being on the antidepressant for a while. I used to eat very little without the antidepressant due to my high anxiety levels. I found myself eating more due to the medication, but also feeling empty/depressed from time to time. So, the medication had caused me to gain weight making me feel worse about myself.
At one point, I thought that I could be feeling empty because I was lonely all the time or felt lonely all the time. Of course I had my friends and family who I love dearly, but for some reason that wasn't enough. I was desperate in finding a significant other. I thought maybe if I strongly liked someone who strongly liked me also, then I would feel happy. That theory was only temporary. I ended up trying different dating apps and talking to strangers, but it usually would not work out well. So, then I deleted them all.
One day when I had my annual physical check-up, my doctor had found some changes that I was becoming unhealthy. I gained a lot of weight, my blood test showed some changes that I was borderline unhealthy. I came to the realization that I was a mess. I let myself go. I wasn't taking care of myself and my body. I had the mentality that I did't have to worry about anything, because I'm still young. I was wrong. I let my mental health take over who I am. With that scare, I forced myself to get back into the routine of eating healthier and exercising more.
At the moment, I am focusing more on myself. I am trying to worry less about finding my significant other. I've been going on morning runs and exercising every day, which makes me motivated in doing and trying different things, like being a social butterfly and getting work done quickly. My runs make me feel so much better. I feel less stressed, less anxious, less depressed. I feel happier. I am moving towards dealing with my mental health without the help of medication, which was always a goal. I am finally going through a positive path. Let's just hope it will last.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Emptiness.
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| Image via mochacafe.tumblr.com |
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Lost.
Hi Internet, it has been way too long and it feels weird to be typing up what's going on with my life and my mind lately. I mean, I barely use Twitter anymore. Most likely because I've been distracted with other things. I am at the middle of the semester of graduate school and I'm beginning to fall apart, as in I'm struggling. It's making me think that I've chosen the wrong path and I shouldn't be doing what I set my mind up for. Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I supposed to pursue something else in life? The answer is I don't know. There are factors to why I'm struggling, and it has been keeping up with being involved in school as well as trying to work. Just recently, I made the decision to resign from the job that I was working in, because I couldn't handle it anymore. There's still time left to save myself, but not as much time that I would like. I sometimes find myself going back into that dark place that I was in before, and that scares me. I don't want to have self-doubt. I don't want to give up. I have this dream, and I want to achieve it, but what's stopping me is the mishaps and such. I'm actually doing terrible, and part of my brain is telling me "that's it, you're not fit for this." Then, theres the rest of my brain that makes me worry a lot. I just keep seeing people getting "lucky" and then there's me. My mom believes that everyone has a certain timeline to their lives once they are born and if they're lucky in that moment, then they were meant to be. It's definitely something that makes a person think long and hard about. Things do happen for a reason. Some don't believe in that, but I some how do. It's like when you have positive thoughts, positive things tend to happen. Of course that seems like just a coincidence, but it could be true. The universe has a weird way of showing us things, spiritually or not. I guess I have to take that mindset and give it a shot. It has worked once before, maybe it'll work again when I really need it. It's just a matter of patience.
Monday, July 31, 2017
Inhale, Exhale.
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| Image via Pinterest |
It has been so long since I've last posted something. Probably, because I have been going to therapy and I've felt happier. Lately, my moods have gone down and I don't know why. I'm back to feeling negative vibes from people and I just don't know what to do. I suddenly feel very left out. I just started working at an internship right after I graduated as an undergrad (I still can't believe it), and I thought I would like it, but turns out I don't. I'm definitely not getting the experience that I want. And the environment just makes triggers both my anxiety and depression. It sucks. With this internship, I feel like I'm back in school rather than actually working. I'm given assignments and I have to format things. That's not what I want to do. I also don't get to shadow a professional, because everything is self-taught. I guess it's whatever with the school assignment aspect of the internship because I'm going to grad school, but I still want actual work experience. I'm constantly teared down by everything and a handful of people. I thought my panic attacks would lessen, but I've had more at this internship than during the semester. I've told people about my mental health to make them aware about what I go through and things that may happen to me. Though, I didn't think that so many people would be so insensitive. I am never feeling myself when I enter the office. I feel congested with judgment. It's hard for me to let go of things in the first place, so I will continuously think of the worst things possible. I'm just done with everything. It's my last week, and I plan to move forward to find something that I will be happy with. I will find the experience that I want and need to reach my goal. I just need to breathe in and breathe out slowly throughout the rest of the week.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Losing Track.
I feel like my life has not been consistent in a way that my brain does not process things very well, meaning, it takes a little time for me to realize that I need to pay close attention to what I'm doing. My mind often dozes off because I'm either feeling so isolated from everything, or I'm worrying about a million things all at once. I've tried different was to exercise my brain to stay focused and to stay present, but it is only temporary. My mind has been drawing a blank for a long time, but I feel like it has gotten worse. Today, I went to my professor to pick up a copy of an assignment and when she would ask a question, I wasn't able to explain my answer. I was listening to her as she went through the assignment, but it was not sticking to my head. This happens way too often and it terrifies me for the future. I also find myself being way more sensitive than I was before. I get very irritable that I am a pain in the ass. I get very sad that I will burst into tears right way. I get so worried that my heart rate increases and I begin to have anxiety attacks. I can tell you that it sucks. My parents are against the idea about taking medication for any mental health issues. So, I try my best to find alternative ways to help myself, but it doesn't last very long. The more I experience this, the more I feel like I need medication to stabilize everything. I know that it's my choice and I'm an adult, but it doesn't feel right to go against what my parents want for me. They want me to cope with everything naturally, but they don't realize that it's actually worsening. I'm planning on speaking to my mom once more about it and try to speak to my dad (who I am afraid to talk to about more) this weekend before I make my next appointment with my psychologist to refer me to a psychiatrist who can help me in that area. I don't think I can go on with my life any further like this, because everything is starting to terrify me.
